lifted

i felt the
warmth
of the sun
on my face
today.
i turned
towards
the window
and closed
my eyes.
the light
penetrated
the darkness
within and
my spirit
felt lifted.

© 2006 Kris E. Lindquist

want

i’m afraid
to trust myself.
i can’t see you,
hear you,
feel you,
yet i know
you are there.

something in
my spirit
tells me so,
but i want
to know
beyond any
doubt.

the voices,
thoughts,
impressions
that i have,
are they you
or are they
me?

where is
the clarity
i seek –
that i keep
asking for
and desiring
deep within?

i want
an encounter,
an interaction,
answers
to the questions
that are
there.

© 2006 Kris E. Lindquist

distractions

anything
that excludes
you
is simply a
distraction.
you are
invited
into all
but show up
for only
a portion
of that which
i do –
things,
activities,
events,
moments.

© 2006 Kris E. Lindquist

beginning to curl

i’m still processing the loss of relationship in my life, but am starting to find a bit of healing in all of the muddlement. (is that even a word?) i’ve been in such a dark place, and still find myself drawn to the shadows, but i am starting to see some light. the first ray of light came in the form of a quote that i had written down some time ago, but had recently rediscovered as i was looking through some old files on my computer. the quote said, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” now, that’s a lot easier said than done, but it does give me a completely different perspective on the past eight months of my life. in fact, it really could give me a completely different perspective on the past thirty-four years. why? well, i think it’s forcing me to look at the positive outcomes in my circumstances as opposed to the negative. (which i so often do.)

subconsciously, i was aware of this concept within the first week of separation, but i think that it may have been a bit forced – forced in the sense that i was doing it not because it was the right thing to do, but because i thought it was the right thing to do. i soon realized the wisdom in what i had done. i remember asking myself if i thought that i was a better person as a result of this relationship, or if i had become worse. surprisingly, i was able to list ten areas of my life where i had seen improvements. wow! ten? i am a better father. i have a better understanding of the importance of friendship. i have a better understanding of the importance of community. i’ve encountered people of faith who live very differently than i do. i’ve learned so much about the world. it’s amazing. and i found it easier to appreciate the gift that i was given – the gift that i was able to hold and cherish – instead of dwelling on the fact that the gift was taken away. (okay, i still think about the “taking away” part, but just not as much.)

now, anyone who really knows me, knows that my mind is constantly working. i think way too much. it’s as if there are voices that are constantly speaking and they continuously chatter – this side of the coin, that side of the coin – playing out every possible scenario. it’s both a blessing and a curse. and this loss of relationship has given these voices plenty to talk about. what’s worse is that my memory is incredibly sharp, which means that i virtually remember every hour, minute, and second of this relationship – where we were, what we were doing, what was being said – every detail. there were times when my brain literally felt like a busy restaurant with conversations happening everywhere, all at the same time.

but in the midst of all of this, there was something very interesting that started to happen. it started towards the end of last week. i can’t explain it. it just happened. thoughts continued to form in my mind, but instead of playing out each thought, i found the corners of my mouth starting to curl and a silly grin forming on my face. i couldn’t figure out what was going on. was i just trying to cover up the pain? was i so completely messed up that my body was starting to freak out? i’m not sure. but one thought that i had is that i was finally experiencing what it meant to take every thought captive. i think that i was beginning to realize that all of these thoughts weren’t going to change a thing. i couldn’t go back and change the past. i couldn’t figure out what was going to happen in the future. and the present? how in the world did i have any clue what was going on in the present? what was i thinking? what was she thinking? i could easily form all kinds of scenarios and possibilities, but none of them based on facts. they would all have been based on assumptions. what’s the point? and then it hit me. all of these thoughts were simply distractions. and i was finding humor in the idea that the enemy was messing with me and trying to distract me – over and over and over again.

what i realized is this. the only power that the enemy can have in my life is the power that i give him. and i’m tired of giving him anything. i want to give to those that are a part of my life. i want to give to those that cross my path. i want to give to those who are in need. i want to give to my family, my friends, and my community. no more distractions. no more lies. and no more living in a place that feels so controlling and empty. this is what i need. i need to live a life that is filled with joy. i need to feel whole and fully alive. i need to glow. i’m certainly not there yet, and it will probably be slow going, but i can feel the desire within me to start pursuing that kind of life. a life that is filled with light, not darkness. i imagine that it’s warm there. and i’ve heard that the air is thick with hope. and as i sit here writing – pondering that kind of life – i can feel the corners of my mouth beginning to curl.

a broken heart

i’ve been reading and thinking quite a bit about relationships over the past couple of weeks. why? perhaps it’s because my heart was recently broken by one that i loved. and it’s left me hurting, wanting, questioning, pondering, doubting, crying, writing, and processing. most of all, it’s left my mind, heart, body, and soul feeling numb all over.

there are moments when i just want to jump right in and find someone else to love. and then there are moments when i think that i will never pursue another romantic relationship again. what’s the point of putting myself in a position to be hurt again, right? and yet i know that there can be such huge rewards when we take risks. (at least that’s what i try to tell myself.)

i’m tired of being hurt. and to be honest, i am feeling angry. first towards the enemy who i believe is out to distract us and get us off course, and ultimately keep us from the life that god intends for us. but i’ve also been feeling angry towards god. i feel as if the relationship that i had was a gift from him and yet he allowed it to be taken from me. why would he do that? actually, i know why, but it sucks. free will. i have a choice and those i am in relationship with have a choice as well. and when those choices don’t line up, someone usually gets hurt. so then, if god knew that i was going to get hurt, why would he have even put me in that position? couldn’t he have protected me from it all together? you don’t give someone a gift and then take it away, do you? i honored that gift and poured everything i had into it, but here i sit, spent and alone.

and then there are the munchkins. whether they like it or not – whether they understand it or not – they are expected to play along in all of this. they have experienced joy and pain just like me in this relationship. i’m happy for the joy, but feel responsible for the pain. i try to explain, but i don’t know that they really get it. and i wonder sometimes what they are learning about relationships from me. (probably an entirely different blog.)

i think that the tragedy in all of this is that i don’t know that i will ever be able to pour myself into anyone whole-heartedly again. there will always be this voice in the back of my head, or on my shoulder, or in my stomach (you get the idea) that will whisper doubt into my ear and challenge my ability to trust. outside voices tell me that in time, i will be able to love again, to pursue again, and to trust again, but i worry that the damage has already been done. and even though i know that god can heal me, i doubt my own ability to let go of this newly acquired baggage (conveniently relabeled “self-preservation”) so that he could actually do it.

(insert sigh here) . . . it seems like when my heart broke, some other things must have broken as well.

does jesus hurt?

i’ve been thinking a lot about how much it hurts to pour everything you have into someone, only to have them pull back and ask that the relationship be less than it was. initially, this is devastating. it can cause some very deep wounds and a boatload of hurt. but then, over time, the hurt turns to sadness and the sadness to acceptance and we find that we can boldly move forward. in some cases, we move forward with the other individual – in the capacity that they’ve requested. and in other cases, we simply walk away – leaving the relationship behind altogether.

now, what’s interesting about all of this, is how quickly we can discard our feelings for those that pull away from us. since the relationship doesn’t seem to be working out the way that we had wanted or intended (and because we don’t like to be wounded), we try to convince ourselves that the feelings we once had, need to be abandoned. we simply try to get rid of them – in whatever way we can. for some, this process takes days, and for others, months or even years. but isn’t it interesting how quickly we begin to search for someone else – once that process is complete?

you see, we have something inside of us that is longing to be filled by relationships. and when they (those relationships) don’t seem to be fulfilling or meeting all of our expectations – or when they deteriorate – we immediately start looking for someone else to fill that empty spot in our lives. we typically don’t wait because we are under the impression that we must have mistaken the relationship (or individual) for something that it wasn’t. or we think that we completely misread the situation. or that we acted out of desire instead of reason. but where do trust and hope fit into all of this? what if that person really was (or is) “the one?” do we ever hold on and wait?

well, i don’t have the answers. and i can tell you from personal experience that these types of situations are incredibly difficult to process and work through. in fact, it’s not an enjoyable experience at all – to have someone draw near and then pull away. and often, i find myself complaining, whining, and just sitting in a puddle of discouragement. and then it hit me. i wonder if this is exactly how christ feels – at times. he passionately pursues us with everything that he has and yet too often, we pull back and desire for the relationship to be less complicated and less involved. we want the relationship to be on our terms – where we feel comfortable and we can maintain some kind of control. sometimes, we stay in the relationship, but there are also times when we might actually walk away.

the good news for us, is that jesus is omnipotent. he knows that this is the perfect relationship. and because he knows that we are “the one,” he waits for us. he doesn’t start looking for someone to replace us – to replace the role that we would play in his life (or in his kingdom). but i do wonder how he feels. is he devastated? does he get discouraged? does he hurt? maybe the pain that i feel in relationships isn’t really that big of a deal in the big scheme of things. perhaps i should be paying more attention to my relationship with christ. here’s a thought...i can so easily be hurt by the one who doesn’t respond to my pursuit, but am i actively responding to christ’s pursuit of me? ahhh, more on my long list of things to think about.

sign

i looked in the mirror this morning, but i couldn’t see it. why couldn’t i see it? it seems like everyone else can. but for some reason i can’t. i’m talking about the big sign on my forehead that reads, “i’m a nice guy. i won’t care. go ahead and let me down.”

i’ve felt let down by family, friends, and co-workers many times in my life and every time it happens, it hurts. not just a little, but a ton. people just don’t get it. they don’t understand that when you break your word, it’s like saying, “you’re just not as important to me as this other thing that i want or need to do.” or in some cases, “you’re just not important.” sure there are times when commitments need to be broken – for work or an emergency – but when the reason given is an excuse of some kind, it simply hurts. the disappointment eventually passes. the frustration eventually passes. but the feeling of being let down does not. for some reason, it’s hard for that feeling to pass. it lingers. and it plays with my thoughts. it messes with the way that i see myself and the way in which i see others.

there have been very few times in my recent life when i’ve broken a commitment or not done what i said i would do. that’s not to say that i haven’t, and it’s not to say that i’m better than anyone else. that’s not why i follow through. i follow through because i know how it feels to be on the other end. i know the importance of people’s feelings and how imperative it is for people to feel valued – for me to feel valued.

so, why does this keep happening to me? do people think that being let down has no emotion attached? do they honestly think that i will just accept the fact that they bailed on me and feel nothing? what am i missing? where is that sign? and what exactly does it say?

damn little spider

i battle the extremes of hope – feeling either hopeful or hopeless – on a continual basis and it really wears on me. i find myself gravitating towards one and then the other. it’s random and it varies from situation to situation. and in some cases, i bounce back and forth in the very same situation. it occurs all of the time, but most often it occurs in the unknown – meaning that i’m asking my mind, heart, and spirit to fill in the blanks of those events or situations in my life that i have absolutely no clue about (but think that it would be useful to figure out both in advance and on my own). it’s stupid, very stupid. i wish that i could just latch on to one and discard the other because at the very least, it would seem consistent, and thus eliminate the battle. (at least that’s what i tell myself.) but it seems impossible. and it really makes no sense to think that a life of hopelessness is even an option when the alternative is a life filled with hope, right?

so, i’ve been thinking about this a lot and here is best way i know how to describe it. it’s as if i have a spider stuck in my body that continually spins a web and relentlessly moves around – back and forth, side to side, top to bottom – setting traps for me to deal with. at times i find myself avoiding the web, moving through the spaces that still exist as i enter into the world of healthy imagination. i can picture the wonderful possibilities that lie before me and with those images come a sense of hope that brings peace, understanding, and contentment. other times, i find myself stuck in the web, trying aimlessly to get free, but instead finding my own efforts to be making things worse rather than better. it is in this time of struggle that i find myself in the world of damaging assumptions. i can so easily picture the most negative scenarios that lead to a sense of hopelessness. and with this hopelessness comes confusion, resentment, and despair. two different worlds with two entirely different sets of feelings and emotions. i think that god would want me to live in the world that brings hope, but it’s so easy to fall into the world of hopelessness. why is it so easy to assume the worst – not only in others, but in myself as well? doesn’t the whole idea of hopelessness contradict the idea of faith in one’s life? isn’t faith supposed to provide hope? and if i have faith, why do i so often feel hopeless?

obviously, there is some kind of disconnect and i need to find it. but honestly, i’m not quite sure where to look. i feel disconnected all over sometimes. my mind feels disconnected at times. my heart feels disconnected at times. and even my spirit feels disconnected at times. the worst is when all three feel disconnected at the very same time. those times in my life are the worst in that i tend to retreat and try to carry every burden on my own. however, those times also force me to realize that i need help and push me into a deeper relationship with god. and that’s when the hope starts to return – clearing away the cobwebs that keep finding their way back into my life. it feels good to clear away those pesky cobwebs, but what really irritates me is that i never seem to get rid of the spider. sometimes it’s a thought. sometimes a feeling. sometimes a voice. i hate that little spider because it robs me of the life and greatness that god intended for me. damn that little spider. (this is where i silently count to ten.)

okay, so maybe those times aren’t as bad as they seem. (i can’t believe i’m saying that.) my instinct is to find the cause of my hopelessness and get rid of it so that i can live a life that is in a perpetual state of hope. it would feel so much better. but is that really the best thing for me? if my relationship with god grows deeper as a result of hopelessness, would it become stale and predictable if i continually lived in a state of hope? perhaps god wants me to enter into periodic times of hopelessness so that he can hold me and love me and speak to me. perhaps it’s the hopelessness that maintains the hopefulness in my relationship with god. and that would mean that i need to actually appreciate the role that hopelessness plays in my life, doesn’t it? hmmm, i’ll have to think about this a bit more.

shift in theology

i’ve been thinking a lot about life and how it can many times just plain suck. and then i’ve been thinking a lot about how i should be praying when i’m going through these times that are anything but enjoyable – when i’m unhappy, stressed out, lonely, feeling abandoned, feeling let down, sick to my stomach, etcetera, etcetera. i used to pray for god’s will to be done – often after i prayed for everything that i want – trying to be sensitive to the whole idea that what god has placed on my heart is both his will and what i want. i guess i still pray that way when the situation only involves me, but i’ve realized that as soon as it involves someone else, i can’t really pray that way anymore. sure, god can do anything that he wants to do and force his will to happen, but isn’t that outside of his character? he’s not going to make someone else (or me for that matter) do anything. he gives us free will to choose as we desire. so, even if i want god’s will to be done and am feeling like i know what that would be, someone else may or may not choose to succumb to his will – which means that if they choose to follow their own will instead of god’s, they not only mess things up for themselves, but they mess it up for me as well. and vice versa, that i have the power to mess things up for myself as well as others that i’m involved with (friends, family, coworkers, and many more). that sucks! the positive in all of this is that god can work in messy situations and he can clean up wherever and whenever we make them. i don’t know that i like any of this, but i do know that i’ve started to pray very differently. i’ve been praying that god speaks truth to people and reveals things so at least they are making choices and decisions with a full deck of cards. i’ve been praying for the holy spirit to prompt people – placing people, situations, thoughts, etcetera on their hearts – so that at the very least they have to acknowledge those things and decide what to do with them. well, those are my thoughts for the day. like i said, i don’t like them, but i think that i understand them.

thinking about love

love has been showing up everywhere in my life lately. i’ve heard about it in church. i’ve discussed it with friends. i’ve seen it on the street. i’ve felt it in my arms. i’ve sensed it in the air. i’ve offered it. and i’ve received it. love has found it’s way into both my head and my heart, but i constantly wonder if i even have the slightest clue as to what love really is? what does love look like? what does it feel like? what does it smell like? what does it sound like? and what does it taste like? jesus commanded me to love, but how do i exactly do that? and is it possible to love both god and others if i have a hard time loving myself first?

i don’t know that i truly love myself the way that i should. in fact, i think that i’m incredibly hard on myself. i consistently pour out judgment over my life instead of receiving the grace that god desires to give. and i constantly attach conditions to love rather than accepting it without any condition at all. most of the time, i feel as if i need to earn love. i feel the need to deserve it. i feel as if there needs to be some kind of exchange or transaction involved. but that’s not really love then is it?

okay, so i struggle with loving myself. does that mean that i can’t help but to struggle with loving others? the dictionary says this about love . . . that it is the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of oneself or another (adapted slightly). i honestly desire to treat others with this kind of love, but fail all of the time. and sometimes i wonder if i am even capable. sure, it seems doable with those individuals in my life that reciprocate the love that i pour into them, but what about those that don’t? and what about people that i don’t even know, but that i encounter by random? jesus was consistently encountering people that wanted more than they were willing to give. and he was consistently encountering people that he had never met before. yet, he always responded in love. he made no distinctions. he made no judgments. he had no conditions. he just loved people. and his love for god fueled that.

i wonder if jesus anticipated each and every one of his encounters. i struggle with that. sure, there are encounters that i anticipate, but there are also encounters that i would rather avoid. jesus didn’t do that. he didn’t avoid people. he welcomed them in love. in fact, i don’t know that anyone could have had an encounter with jesus and not have felt his complete, unconditional love. why? because jesus knew them – truly knew them. he knew everything about them and he knows everything about us. and that is exactly what each of us desires in this life – to be known. now, jesus has the ability to know us because he is god and god is omnipotent. but in order for us to be known by others, we must take risks. one of the biggest risks that we can take is the risk of being transparent. and i think that transparency is critical in all of this – at least in the “being” loved part of all of this. perhaps i should rephrase that though, because transparency (or vulnerability) can also lead someone down a path of pain and suffering. i think that transparency – in the absence of judgment – opens the door for one to receive and experience true, godly love.

let me throw this into the mix. have you ever noticed that sometimes it can be easier to love someone when you know everything about them? when you are aware of the baggage and the hurts and the pain? that’s because you have a better understanding of why they respond the way that they do in certain situations. and it becomes more difficult to be upset or disappointed because you have a better understanding of the context in which they are responding. does that make sense? now, this only works in the absence of judgment though, because judgment usually doesn’t travel alone. in fact, judgment never travels alone. where there is judgment, there are conditions. where there is judgment, there are requirements. and love really isn’t love when you have to earn it, right?

so what was jesus’ secret? well, i believe that jesus loved people through empathy and compassion. jesus understood what hurt people. and he allowed himself to identify with them in their pain. he listened to them. he didn’t analyze. he didn’t respond with christian cliches. he didn’t jump into the role of counselor. he simply asked questions and listened. and although his words were often few, his eyes never stopped speaking.

i long to have the eyes of jesus . . . eyes that speak directly into each and every situation and individual that i encounter. eyes that are able and willing to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the lives of those who cross my path and accept it all as god accepts it – accept it without judgment or condemnation so that i am able to respond in perfect love. i need to look at my own life with those same eyes as well.

here is one last thought. jesus was able to see directly into the soul of every person he encountered. and he didn’t get hung up on all of the junk that he saw along the way. instead, he focused on the potential that his creation had. that we have. he didn’t see an “us” and “them.” he always saw a “we.” and he knew that whether or not people were like him in spirit, they all had the “potential” of becoming like him in spirit. maybe that’s the other critical part of the equation. maybe that’s the key to “showing” love . . . to look at others within the context of their spiritual potential. to see what they are capable of – outside of our own limited perspective or our own limited visibility. to see them as god sees them. is that possible? i think so. well, it has to be if that is what jesus calls us to do. but perhaps it can only start when i am first able to apply this principle to my own life. perhaps i need to see myself as god sees me before i am able to see others as he sees them.