thinking about love

love has been showing up everywhere in my life lately. i’ve heard about it in church. i’ve discussed it with friends. i’ve seen it on the street. i’ve felt it in my arms. i’ve sensed it in the air. i’ve offered it. and i’ve received it. love has found it’s way into both my head and my heart, but i constantly wonder if i even have the slightest clue as to what love really is? what does love look like? what does it feel like? what does it smell like? what does it sound like? and what does it taste like? jesus commanded me to love, but how do i exactly do that? and is it possible to love both god and others if i have a hard time loving myself first?

i don’t know that i truly love myself the way that i should. in fact, i think that i’m incredibly hard on myself. i consistently pour out judgment over my life instead of receiving the grace that god desires to give. and i constantly attach conditions to love rather than accepting it without any condition at all. most of the time, i feel as if i need to earn love. i feel the need to deserve it. i feel as if there needs to be some kind of exchange or transaction involved. but that’s not really love then is it?

okay, so i struggle with loving myself. does that mean that i can’t help but to struggle with loving others? the dictionary says this about love . . . that it is the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of oneself or another (adapted slightly). i honestly desire to treat others with this kind of love, but fail all of the time. and sometimes i wonder if i am even capable. sure, it seems doable with those individuals in my life that reciprocate the love that i pour into them, but what about those that don’t? and what about people that i don’t even know, but that i encounter by random? jesus was consistently encountering people that wanted more than they were willing to give. and he was consistently encountering people that he had never met before. yet, he always responded in love. he made no distinctions. he made no judgments. he had no conditions. he just loved people. and his love for god fueled that.

i wonder if jesus anticipated each and every one of his encounters. i struggle with that. sure, there are encounters that i anticipate, but there are also encounters that i would rather avoid. jesus didn’t do that. he didn’t avoid people. he welcomed them in love. in fact, i don’t know that anyone could have had an encounter with jesus and not have felt his complete, unconditional love. why? because jesus knew them – truly knew them. he knew everything about them and he knows everything about us. and that is exactly what each of us desires in this life – to be known. now, jesus has the ability to know us because he is god and god is omnipotent. but in order for us to be known by others, we must take risks. one of the biggest risks that we can take is the risk of being transparent. and i think that transparency is critical in all of this – at least in the “being” loved part of all of this. perhaps i should rephrase that though, because transparency (or vulnerability) can also lead someone down a path of pain and suffering. i think that transparency – in the absence of judgment – opens the door for one to receive and experience true, godly love.

let me throw this into the mix. have you ever noticed that sometimes it can be easier to love someone when you know everything about them? when you are aware of the baggage and the hurts and the pain? that’s because you have a better understanding of why they respond the way that they do in certain situations. and it becomes more difficult to be upset or disappointed because you have a better understanding of the context in which they are responding. does that make sense? now, this only works in the absence of judgment though, because judgment usually doesn’t travel alone. in fact, judgment never travels alone. where there is judgment, there are conditions. where there is judgment, there are requirements. and love really isn’t love when you have to earn it, right?

so what was jesus’ secret? well, i believe that jesus loved people through empathy and compassion. jesus understood what hurt people. and he allowed himself to identify with them in their pain. he listened to them. he didn’t analyze. he didn’t respond with christian cliches. he didn’t jump into the role of counselor. he simply asked questions and listened. and although his words were often few, his eyes never stopped speaking.

i long to have the eyes of jesus . . . eyes that speak directly into each and every situation and individual that i encounter. eyes that are able and willing to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the lives of those who cross my path and accept it all as god accepts it – accept it without judgment or condemnation so that i am able to respond in perfect love. i need to look at my own life with those same eyes as well.

here is one last thought. jesus was able to see directly into the soul of every person he encountered. and he didn’t get hung up on all of the junk that he saw along the way. instead, he focused on the potential that his creation had. that we have. he didn’t see an “us” and “them.” he always saw a “we.” and he knew that whether or not people were like him in spirit, they all had the “potential” of becoming like him in spirit. maybe that’s the other critical part of the equation. maybe that’s the key to “showing” love . . . to look at others within the context of their spiritual potential. to see what they are capable of – outside of our own limited perspective or our own limited visibility. to see them as god sees them. is that possible? i think so. well, it has to be if that is what jesus calls us to do. but perhaps it can only start when i am first able to apply this principle to my own life. perhaps i need to see myself as god sees me before i am able to see others as he sees them.