day twenty-five

surprised by my desire to keep some things to myself. sorry. and surprised by some stinky shoes. (i’ll spare you any kind of deep, spiritual analogy here.)

day twenty-four

surprised by feelings and questions. i had a lot of feelings swirling within me today. i felt anticipation, empathy, distant, close, nervous, anxious, apprehensive, engaged, bold, confident, and uncertain. and i began to think about how jesus responded to these feelings. how did he process the everyday activities in his life? did he ever question his actions? the words that he spoke? were there ever conversations that kept playing over and over in his mind like a broken record? wondering how the outcome may have been different had he said something different? did he ever fumble over his words? or say something that perhaps he shouldn’t have? i do these things all of the time.

i’m also starting to wonder about how jesus reacted in worldly (probably not the right descriptor) situations. here’s an example. let’s say jesus is at a wedding ceremony and it’s the sixth day of the week-long celebration. the bride’s cousin, who is known to be extremely promiscuous, has had way too much to drink and is hitting on jesus in front of others. now, how does jesus respond? in his arrogance, does he consider himself better and walk away leaving her to feel empty? does he kiss her back when she comes on to him and wants a little action? is he concerned about what others are thinking? is he wrestling with how he should react? how others will view his response? and if i’ve invited jesus into my very being, then how can i make sure that my responses are being driven by him rather than me?

here is a thought (and i have no clue whether or not this is even close to being right). did jesus rely so heavily on the holy spirit – to go before him in preparation, to be with him in the midst of everything, and to clean up behind him – that he never had concern for the words that came out of his mouth? how his conversations began, developed, or concluded? did he ask and trust the holy spirit to be the interpreter of his every word? to be his translator? and not only in everything that he said, but in everything that he did, everything that he was? and do i have the very same access to that very same spirit?

god, help me to trust you in every situation. to trust you in every relationship. to trust you in every conversation. to trust you in every action. trust that you will package everything that i do and say to be exactly the way you would have it.

day twenty-three

surprised by peace. i felt an incredible amount of peace in my spirit today. and not just my spirit, but in life around me. my work day was productive and lacked any sense of urgency (which is not always the case). my time with my children was smooth, interactive, enjoyable, and fulfilling (again, which is not always the case). and the rest of my evening turned out to be very pleasant and spiritually rewarding. here’s a taste . . .

upon returning from my routine of dropping the kids at home on tuesday evenings, i decided to light the candles, power up the stereo, and catch up on a bit of reading for a small group that i’m involved with. i cued up charlie parker and plopped myself on the couch – books in hand. there were two selected chapters from two different books that i was going to tackle. the first discussed the idea of living out of the center (meaning that as christians, our lives should revolve entirely around the person of jesus) and the second discussed the idea of confessing our sins (as christians) to the world. both provided words and phrases that seemed to jump off the pages. some found their way to my head and others found their way to my heart. but there was also a sense of peace that began to permeate my very being. i don’t know that i can attribute this peace to the content of the reading material, but i could feel myself submitting to this idea of trusting god in absolutely everything – understanding that he was, is, and will be in control of every situation in my life. and all that it requires is that i invite him in – into every failure, every success, every truth, every doubt, every struggle, etcetera, etcetera. and then the simplicity of this whole thing became aware to me – my peace was a direct result of my trust. the concept wasn’t really a surprise, but the feeling was.

it’s one thing to know something and entirely another to actually feel it – working itself out in you. well, tonight i felt it and it felt pretty good. thank god that these surprises are more than just visual representations of his majesty, but that they are also internal stirrings that can be felt within.

day twenty-two

surprised by freedom. i’m surprised by the way in which god is leading me to be free and to live in the moment. this is such a hard concept to grasp because it seems like i am always looking either ahead or behind. i miss so much. i try extremely hard to be fully present with people (when i am with them), but don’t always implement this practice in the rest of my daily life. i’m typically racing from one thing to the next and the reality is, that i rarely take the time to bask in the moment – to really enjoy those things that breathe life into me. well, it’s time to stop racing. and i think that god is trying to teach me more about that concept. i believe that he wants me to be less and less worried about the things that i’ve missed in the past as well as the things that may be approaching in the future, and instead, to simply focus on enjoying those things that i’m a part of “in the now.”

i unintentionally practiced this concept the other day and was so thankful that i had. in fact, i actually felt better for it. i had committed to attending an event and had planned on being there the entire day, but when the time came to hop in my car and go, i decided to continue in what i was already doing instead. now, please understand that i am not endorsing that people make commitments and then bail. that has happened to me (as the recipient of the cancellation) on many occasions and it has greatly impacted my capacity for hope on a yearly, monthly, weekly, and sometimes even daily basis. being let down does more harm than i think we realize. but we can discuss that another day.

i guess my point is this. i realized that the world would not stop spinning if i didn’t show up at this function. i realized that the event was not about me. and i realized that if god was leading me to continue in what i was already doing, then i needed to stay put and continue in the moment. this was definitely surprising...because when i say i will do something, i do it. when i make a commitment, i keep it. and i take it very seriously to be a man of my word and to follow through. but i am also learning more about freedom. and if that is the life that jesus spoke about as he walked among us on the face the earth, then i seem to be journeying in the right direction. god is changing me. and i am thankful.

weekend three

surprised by the way in which i control my children. surprised by the placement of the moon. and surprised by a continued conversation. way to much to process at the moment.

day nineteen

surprised by a conversation. a missing key has required that one group of neighbors and i interact a bit more frequently. and it has been a huge blessing. the conversations have been short, but i’m thankful for the opportunities to connect. and i’m thankful that it opened the door to connect with one neighbor in particular. she is a complete stranger to me, but i have been intrigued by her routine and curious to hear more of her story. and the opportunity presented itself when i least expected it.

unit number one – consisting of a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and their friend – have decided that they would like to throw a neighborly function for the entire building. this function will be relatively small (since there are only four units) but will provide a great opportunity to meet and connect with others that we essentially share space with. rumors had been floating around that this event was in the works, but it was day nineteen of this experiment that the planning phase officially began.

it must have been 6:30 p.m. when i heard the first knock on my door. as i approached, i heard a voice identifying herself as haley.* she wanted to know if saturday night would work for our get together and after deciding that it would, explained that she would return with the specifics. thirty minutes later, i heard another knock on my door. this time it was grace,* haley’s roommate. she proceeded to tell me that the original night wouldn’t work and asked if i could offer an alternative. we continued to chat for about ten minutes (well, really for three as we were being consistently interrupted by my children and their obsession for taking pictures with my camera phone). again, i was told to await the details.

the girls and i continued our evening as expected – playing for a bit, taking baths (the kids, not me), and reading a few stories. we said our prayers, lit the candle and the flashing “go star” lightbox, and crawled into bed (again the kids, not me). and as i continued the evening by myself – picking up some odds and ends around the house – it hit me. the night that i gave as an alternative, wasn’t going to work. i completely spaced it. argh! i didn’t really want to go downstairs and share the bad news, but decided that out of respect, i should do so (before the entire event had been planned).

i apologized for being the most difficult tenant on the planet and then to my surprise was invited in – to sit and chat. grace was alone, watching television, while her friends were out enjoying their weekly ethiopian meal with others in their circle of influence. i shared with her my interest to hear her story – to find out who she was and how life had shaped her. it seemed like a pretty big request to ask of a stranger, but she obliged. and it was so refreshing to be able to enter into a conversation with someone on a night that i typically just spend by myself (after the munchkins are all tucked away). after twenty minutes or so, her friends returned (with additional friends) and i said my goodbyes. (it felt a bit awkward to continue in front of an audience.) as i left their apartment, and climbed the stairs back to mine, i felt joy. the conversation that i had just shared with a new friend had been simple but rich and i hoped that it would continue. it was a pleasant surprise.

and as i write this entry today, i'm realizing just how much i love connecting with people and engaging them in conversation (not always easy for an introvert). god, thank you for this surprise today.

* names have been changed to protect the innocent. ha!

day eighteen

surprised at how far i have left to go. today i realized how unlike christ i really am. it was humbling, embarrassing, frustrating, and enlightening – all at the same time. i was just returning from running a few errands over lunch and was approaching the front door of the building where i work, when i heard a familiar voice. “sir?” i tried to ignore it, but it persisted – this time a little louder. “sir?” still, i paid no attention. i had a lot on my mind and was needing to get back to work. then i heard it again – so loud that i could no longer avoid it. “sir!”

i turned and responded with an impatient and prideful “yes?” and as the homeless man approached me, i could already sense a spirit within that was anything but the spirit of christ. he explained to me that he needed “six for the shelter.” i wasn’t following, and asked him to repeat himself several times. basically, he wanted some of my money. part of what irritated me was the fact that he seemed to expect it. he wasn’t really asking – he just expected. the problem here is that i was too busy focusing on his behavior and judging his appearance, tactics, motives, etc., that i completely lost sight of the way i was treating him. (i should have been focusing on my own behavior instead.) i told him that i wasn’t carrying any cash but that i had change. “do you want it?” what a stupid and rhetorical question. of course he wanted it, but i was making him work for it. in spite, i dumped a handful of change into his hand and started to walk away. as i turned, i noticed this man slowly lower his head to look at the coins and then i heard him say, “bless you.” bless me? and that’s when it hit me. here is a man who simply wants a meal and a bed and i’m selfishly thinking about the two quarters that i was going to use for half a load of laundry or a parking meter. i am such an idiot sometimes.

as soon as i set foot in the elevator, my heart felt heavy. how is it that one day i can be driving by a homeless person on the street and feel led to intercede on their behalf, and then the next, treat another like a dog – much like the samaritans were treated back in the day. i hate that about myself. and it hurts me to write about this because i can see so many areas of this encounter that line up with or remind me of stories i’ve read about in the bible. and not the good ones. i denied this man three times before realizing it. i considered myself (my thoughts and my schedule) as being much more important than the condition and needs of this man – making me the pharisee. i avoided the teachings of jesus and the early church in making a distinction between mine and his (there was no community in this story). and then i made him work for what he wanted – belittling him and requiring him to acknowledge that he wanted what i had. essentially, i made him beg (something that god never requires of me).

this incident stuck with me all day. it burdened me in some way and i didn’t like it. i hoped that god would give me another opportunity with this man – not so much to give him more money, but just to apologize for my behavior and to ask a few questions that would allow him to dialogue with me on his terms. unfortunately, that opportunity never came.

last night, i attended a function that addressed the real-life struggles of ex-convicts in our communities. the stories were authentic, depressing, scary, unbelievable, and inspiring. the panelists had many things in common, but the greatest was that each of them had encountered god. and i found it amazing that he had met them in their time of greatest need and often greatest struggle. i was also amazed at the struggle that was birthed in me. as i listened to these ex-offenders share with us what they had been through, i could see jesus embracing each one of them without any hesitation. and yet i wondered if i would be able to do the same. i struggled with the fact that my heart wasn’t pure. could i really invite one of these individuals into my life and love them unconditionally? would my feelings of fear, skepticism, and distrust get in the way? would i? could i? should i?

was i surprised today? yes, and the surprise was me. the surprise was bad. and the surprise was good. god help me.

day seventeen

surprised by a heavy heart. my heart felt heavy today for a friend. i want god to take action. to make himself known. to reveal himself. but that’s not really in his character, is it? he doesn’t force his ways on any of us. he simply asks that we invite him in first. here’s the problem. i believe that my friend has already invited god in, but doesn’t feel like he ever showed up. i don’t know what to do or what to say. i only know that my heart is heavy.

i can only imagine how heavy jesus’ heart must have felt as he interacted with and engaged other people on earth. i wonder sometimes if he ever struggled with depression. i can’t imagine having the power to see into everyone’s lives – the hurts, the struggles, the baggage, the bondage – and not have it affect me intellectually, emotionally, and physically. it had to have affected jesus in these ways too. and does it still affect him? does he still struggle with these feelings as he intercedes for us on a consistent basis?

i guess my heaviness makes me a little like jesus. that's a bit of a surprise – to feel like jesus when you don't really feel that great. god, help me to understand this.

day sixteen

surprised by transparency. it’s been a hard couple of weeks for me with a lot of rumblings in my mind and feelings of discontentment in several areas of my life. i know god is leading me, but that doesn’t always mean that i’m feeling chipper. one of the worries that i’ve been carrying around had to do with an upcoming review at work. it had been quite some time since my employers and i had formally arranged to sit down and talk about studio life. and i was a bit concerned with how they would receive the thoughts and comments that i had prepared to share. i wanted to be completely transparent but feared whether or not they would be willing (or able) to make the adjustments that i felt were needed to bring both life and passion back into my employment.

i was pleasantly surprised. as i met with them this morning, they encouraged me to be frank and honest about how i had been feeling and seemed to agree with everything that rolled off my tongue. they were incredibly receptive and i found it to be a huge blessing (and somewhat of a surprise). i can’t tell you how freeing it is to be transparent with people. i realize that it can be a huge risk, but i have found that even when transparency is not well received, it opens the door for personal reflection and some form of self-evaluation that most often leads to healing. there is something therapeutic about it.

i was also surprised by an idea today. as i was giving this experiment a bit of my think time, i had a thought. what if i were to follow-up this 30-day experiment with another 30-day experiment of my own – where the roles of the participants are reversed. now, you would need to take god’s omnipotence out of the equation, but roll with me on this one. what if i were to imagine god praying, “surprise me peripheral” each morning. what could i do that would surprise god? to let him know that i’m present? to let him know that i care about him? to let him know that i love him? etcetera. etcetera. how would my daily life change and what would i be doing to keep my relationship with him fresh?

now, i realize that there is nothing that i can do to make god love me any more than he already does. and that would not be the point. but i do wonder how my agenda would change. because instead of asking and waiting for god to respond to me, i would be more focused on serving him. i wonder how my time with him would change? how my intimacy with him would change? hmmm, interesting.

day fifteen

surprised by people who truly care. surprised by people who are authentic. surprised by people who are willing to be vulnerable. i long to build friendships with these types of people and god revealed a few of them to me today. surprised and grateful.

weekend two

surprised in relationships. i interacted with a lot of people this weekend and it was a blessing. interesting at times, but overall a blessing. (a surprise for someone who struggles with breaking out of his introvertedness.) on saturday morning, i had the opportunity to spend a small amount of time with a couple of new friends from south africa, who simply took the time to share their stories and their hearts. i love stories. in fact, if i was able to, i think that i would just drop everything and immerse myself in them. stories are so powerful and have a way of drawing people in. i like to tell stories and i like to listen to stories. i guess that i’m a bit like jesus that way. he was a great storyteller. but he was also a great listener. in fact, i think that a lot of his content came from observing and listening to those around him. interesting thought – that jesus could have actually been inspired by us.

i know that i am inspired by jesus every day. the way he walked. the way he talked. the way he prayed. the way he led others. and on and on and on. but to think that he could have been inspired by us is a new thought. or maybe it’s not us that inspired him. maybe it was what he saw in us – a capacity for faith that would lead us into lives of freedom. that must be it, because that is what inspires me as i listen to others – their faith. faith in their struggles. faith in their courage. faith in their gifts. and on and on and on.

one of the things that i like so much about stories is that they are always new and fresh. each of us has a unique story to tell. but what happens when someone starts to share a part of their story that seems to fall into a script – a script that seems familiar because you’ve heard it once or twice before. or perhaps you’ve heard it many times before. i’m talking about a kind of script that feels generic and is used to fill in the gaps that we are too afraid to live out and experience for ourselves. and because it sounds good, no one questions it or tries to figure out if it really fits or not. i think christians do this a lot – especially with their beliefs. not all christians do this, but i think many of them do. and i think that i heard part of a script today.

i had been invited to an open house (earlier in the week) for a former youth pastor that had returned to minnesota. god had called him to another state to serve in a variety of ministry opportunities over the past fifteen years, but was now calling him back to serve as senior pastor of a newer church in central minnesota. it was so good to see him and others that were there – individuals that i hadn’t seen for many, many years. i found myself having some great conversations throughout the afternoon and was glad that i had decided to attend. but there was one conversation that troubled me. it troubled me because part of it sounded a lot like a script – a formula if you will.

i was speaking with a woman who has a gay sibling and was interested in hearing about how this sister of hers had been doing. i had known her in high school and just wanted to get an update on her life – you know, basis questions. i found out that she was still living in california (i had known that at one time but wasn't sure if that was still the case), but also learned that she had been traveling back and forth to minnesota on a frequent basis, which provided her family the opportunity to see more of her. she seemed to be in a transitional period in her life. as we talked, however, i could sense a deep struggle with how this woman's family was responding to her sister's lifestyle. and i could immediately tell that they had developed some strong feelings about the subject.

i was encouraged to hear this woman talk about wrapping her sister in the love of jesus, even though other members of her family didn’t necessarily agree with how she was doing this. but the love that she described seemed to have conditions attached. that bothered me. it bothered me because the jesus that i know loves unconditionally. obviously, this is easier said than done, but it still bothered me. (actually, it saddened me.) and there was one statement in particular that broke my heart. at one point in the conversation, i heard this woman say that she was just waiting for the day when her sister would return to her faith and be normal again. i wanted to speak – to tell her exactly what i was thinking – but refrained. instead, i just revealed to her that i still have more questions about the subject than i do answers – specifically related to how jesus would respond. and as my mouth said one thing, my mind was thinking about others. normal? isn’t she normal now? what is it that makes her abnormal? if homosexuality is sin, and sin makes this woman abnormal, doesn’t that make the rest of us abnormal? and doesn’t that make us all the same?

i’m finding that god is surprising me with questions. and this weekend he used relationships to bring them to the surface.

day twelve

are you hearing this god? it’s well after dinner and not much has happened today. i sometimes wonder what god can really do when i’m stuck in the office all day – working independently on projects and not interacting very much with my co-workers. pretty shallow thinking, i know, but still a thought that crosses my mind.

so, i’ve scooped up the munchkins from daycare and after-school, we’ve eaten dinner, and i’ve interacted with them in a variety of ways. my youngest is requesting that we read from her children’s bible, and although i’m tired, how can i refuse. she loves it because each short page ends with a question or two to see if she can remember what the story was about. as i read the stories and ask the questions, i remember how jesus used to spend time with people – asking lots of questions. sometimes he wanted to see if they had been listening. sometimes he wanted to see if they understood. and sometimes he just wanted to see if they were paying attention in the day-to-day activities of their lives. i love the hunger that my youngest is showing towards reading about god. and i imagined him all snuggled up next to us as we read.

my oldest had fallen asleep on the couch and i decided to carry her to bed. i expected her to remain in a deep slumber, but instead she woke up and requested a bath. (there’s a surprise.) and it was at some point during her bath that we entered into this deep discussion about dreams and satan and angels and demons. i explained to her that there would be times in her life when she would hear voices that intended to scare, manipulate, discourage, and tear her down, but that as a child of god, she would know the truth and have the ability to stand against them. it was a great conversation. and i realized that as i was teaching her, she was in fact teaching me as well. i just love the way that her brain works. it literally blows me away.

and then there was this thought. i realized that as she sat on the toilet (all wrapped up and toasty warm in her towel) and as i sat on the edge of the bathtub, that god was standing by the door, leaning against the wall. and all i could do was to smile, shake my head in disbelief of how incredible this moment was with my daughter, and utter, “god, are you hearing this?”

day eleven

surprised by a real-life ghost. no kidding – except the ghost was me. i felt like my spirit had left my body today and i was walking around as an empty carcass. i can’t quite explain it, except that i seemed to be devoid of any emotion for most of the day – numb and very apathetic. and it’s not the kind of thing that i hide very well either. i’m not sure if that’s good or bad? probably good for me, but bad for others. good in the sense that i’m being completely transparent with god so that he can go to work. bad in the sense that if i’m completely honest with others, it puts them in the awkward position of trying to figure out how they should respond.

anyway, not much to report today. i did pray the experimental prayer, but the “surprises” must have taken the day off.

day ten

surprises within and deep thoughts about nature. as i was sitting by lake harriet this morning with my oldest daughter, i casually looked out the window and noticed a group of trees that were beginning to blossom. they were beautiful – and they seemed to surprise me. i hadn’t remembered seeing other trees with budding leaves, and as i looked around, i noticed just a few. why was that? why were some blossoming ahead of the rest? what had they received that the others had not? and how does that apply to people? why is it that some people seem to blossom while others are not? (i’m not talking about people in different parts of the world – i’m talking about people that are often standing right next to each other.) random thoughts, i know.

then i began to notice how green the grass had turned within a matter of one day (as a result of tuesday’s rainfall). now, i’m no scientist, but i imagine that the water first made its way into the ground and then found its way into the blades of grass themselves. i began to think about how everything is really without color, and that the only reason i see color is because of how objects reflect the light. does that make sense? for instance, i see grass as being green because the properties of grass allow it to only reflect the green portion of light. it’s all about reflection. and then i started to think about individuals, and how we are all reflecting something. we reflect those things that have influenced us. we reflect those things that occupy our time. we reflect those things that we follow. and then i had more questions. what light am i reflecting? and if it’s the light of jesus, am i reflecting all of the light? or just a portion of the light? and does that mean that others around me may be reflecting portions of his light that i disregard simply because i am not familiar with them?

here is another thought or two. can followers of jesus reflect his light in different ways? (i’m thinking in terms of denominations and religions here.) we can get so hung up on differences sometimes and i’m starting to wonder if we are simply reflecting different portions of the same light. don’t misunderstand me, i do think that there are some individuals who are reflecting false light in the name of light, but let’s not go there today.

i was also thinking about how it was the water that was able to change the reflective abilities of the grass – from reflecting brown light into reflecting green light. as followers of christ, we too have been given water – the living water of the living god – which gives us the ability to reflect light differently. i guess i’m just wondering if we should all look the same, or if we should all look a bit different. i don’t know the answer.

then as i was walking to work from the parking lot, i noticed how cold it felt in the shadows compared to the warmth of being in the sunlight. two locations (literally a few feet from each other) with very different characteristics – leading to two very different feelings. and then if you think of this in terms of a larger playing field (outer space), isn’t it true that the farther you are from the sun, the colder you feel? and that the closer you are to the sun, the warmer you feel? this is so applicable to my spiritual journey. i can completely relate to this. the farther away i seem to be from god, the colder i typically feel – empty, confused, unfulfilled, etc. while the closer i seem to be to him, the warmer i feel. the conundrum is this... what does it mean when you are making every effort to be close to your heavenly father and yet still feel cold? i have been there, and seem to return to that place often. why is that? does that mean that i’m just kidding myself and that i’m not close at all? or does it mean something else? again, i don’t know the answer.

i will say this, nature to me seems so simple and yet so complex at the very same time. i’m not sure why that is, but that’s what i have found. yet there are so many valuable lessons to be learned from it. and i think god uses nature often as a way of speaking to us. tonight as i was leaving a parking lot in bloomington, i looked up and saw the most incredible sky. it was perfectly clear and painted in every shade of blue – from the deepest of blues to the lightest of blues – in the most perfect of gradations. The moon was positioned in such a way that it was reflecting just a sliver of the sun’s light and it looked like a smile to me – a sideways smile. perhaps god was smiling at me in a playful spirit tonight, with his head turned slightly to the side. my heart smiled back.

those are my random thoughts for the day.

day nine

surprised by a friend. i have a friend who treats me a lot like i imagine jesus treating me, and today, they surprised me twice. my first surprise was in the form of a prayer that had arrived via email. this wasn’t your typical prayer. it was the kind of prayer that takes on the voice of jesus and finds its way to your very soul. it was as if i could hear jesus joining her as they approached my heavenly father in intercession. very powerful. the prayer was then followed up with a delivery of flowers – sunflowers, my favorite. she is fully aware of the burdens that are weighing me down and just wanted me to know that she was thinking about me. she even offered to help bear my burden – not take it from me or carry it for me, but just to help.

now, i immediately started to assume that this friend was trying to cheer me up – in an attempt to accelerate the process of working through this season of discontentment i am experiencing. but just as those thoughts started to creep inside my brain, i received another email. she wanted to make sure that i understood her motives – to simply let me know that she was thinking about me and cared for me as her brother in christ. no hidden agenda. no need to fix it. simply a surprise for me along the way.

it’s strange how hard it is for me to accept this kind of unconditional love from friends who simply care. and even more strange how hard it is to accept the same kind of love from my heavenly father. i think it stems from the legality of religion that i still seem to hold on to. too often, i feel as if i don’t accept the love because i don’t deserve the love. something that i definitely need to work on.

one more thought for the day (because ending this blog so short would be out of the ordinary). i’ve been wondering why it is so hard for me to find complete contentment in christ. i seem to know that he is able to fill every void in my life, yet i find myself continuing to search elsewhere to fill those places in other ways – ways that don’t last. i was reminded of that just before writing this blog. i was waiting for my vanilla steamer in the microwave (to reach that perfect temperature) and decided to peek at another book of poetry sitting on my dresser. i randomly opened the book to three short poems (all of which were powerful), but one seemed to resonate a bit with my last thought. instead of wandering so easily and looking elsewhere, this poem reminds me that it would be better if i simply stayed close to home. and if home is where the heart is, then i would consider my home –most often – with christ.

song (henry wadsworth longfellow)

stay, stay at home, my heart, and rest;
home-keeping hearts are happiest,
for those that wander they know not where
are full of trouble and full of care;
to stay at home is best.

weary and homesick and distressed,
they wander east, they wander west,
and are baffled and beaten and blown about
by the winds of the wilderness of doubt;
to stay at home is best.

then stay at home, my heart, and rest;
the bird is safest in its nest;
o’er all that flutter their wings and fly
a hawk is hovering in the sky;
to stay at home is best.

personal note: would someone just shoot that hawk!

day eight

just thoughts today, but i welcome new thoughts. am i praying the wrong prayer? has terry led me astray? if i am truly setting aside my own spiritual agenda to make room for god’s, why am i asking him to reveal it in only one way – through surprise? what if he has a different way? isn’t what i’m really after just to let him lead me into his will?

i was thinking about this tonight and for a moment, wondered if the real purpose of this experiment was simply to show me how off-course i am. but then i wondered if that was even a factor. sometimes i can get so wrapped up in the things that don’t matter, that i lose sight of what really does. do you think god really wants to show me how off-course i am? or does he just want me to follow him? think about it – if i’m too busy looking at the course, then how can i truly be looking at him? i think my prayer for the next 22 days should really be “lead me god,” and if that includes surprises, cool.

okay, so i have you thinking that i’m going to change my prayer from “surprise me god” to “lead me god,” right? i doubt that will happen. instead, i will most likely end up saying both prayers. in fact, i have already been saying another prayer for the last several weeks and simply added this new “surprise me god” prayer to that prayer eight days ago. but maybe i’m onto something. maybe that is part of god’s will for me. maybe he is leading me into saying a hundred little prayers at the beginning of each day – prayers like “refresh me god,” “free me god,” “comfort me god,” “show me god,” “knock my shoes, my socks, my pants, and my shirt (but please don’t mess with my undergarments) off god.” i’ll have to give this some more thought.

i promised those who are following along another poem that surprised me yesterday. it was the last poem that i stumbled upon as i was skimming through a book of african-american poets. i’m not sure when exactly the author of this poem lived, but it was prior to the 1964 copyright of the book. i’m amazed at what the writer was able to see under the circumstances. i pray that i can see this every day for the rest of my life.

this morning (jay wright)

this morning i threw the windows
of my room open, the light burst
in like crystal gauze and i hung
it on my wall to frame.
and here i am watching it take possession
of my room, watching the obscure love
match of light and shadow – of cold and warmth.
it is a matter of acceptance, i guess.
it is a matter of finding some room
with shadows to embrace, open. Now
the light has settled in, i don’t think
i shall ever close my windows again.

god, may you take possession of all my darkness in the loving embrace that only your light can bring. and may i never close my windows again.

weekend one

i’m learning to look a little bit differently and finding myself much more surprised. part of me is still trying to find those big surprises that god has waiting for me – as if i’m going to miss them (or rather, as if i am missing them already). and the other part is starting to see the glimpses of god that he is (and has been) desiring me to see all along. they aren’t grand and spectacular, but simple – very simple.

i saw god on saturday in both of my daughters. the oldest befriended a little girl at the park and offered to push her on the tire swing so that she could focus on enjoying the experience. she wasn’t at all concerned about when she would get to ride, she was simply happy making the experience enjoyable for someone else. wow, that was god. my youngest created pictures for each member of her family – pictures that included the subject and something enjoyable that they might be doing. (insert any astonishing phrase you wish here, like “holy crap” or “oh my goodness”), i just realized that she drew a picture of me walking in the rain – as if she can sense that i’m going through something. wow, how can that “not” be god. okay, there’s my first big surprise.

today, i was surprised to hear a really good sermon at another church i attend on sunday mornings. it was powerful and spoke directly into my life. most sunday mornings, i leave feeling like i’ve listened to the same broken record – same sermon, just a different day. after lunch and a nap, i took a drive and ended up at lake harriet. i parked on the side of the road and spent a couple of hours reading. the first hour or so, i continued reading a book that i’ve already mentioned in an earlier blog called “a new kind of christian.” some of it went way over my head and other parts went straight to my heart. the second hour was spent in an old book i have entitled “new negro poets u.s.a.” it is a collection of several wonderful poets. and as i was reading, i found two poems that surprised me for different reasons. i thought that i would share them with you.

this first poem surprised me because i could completely relate with the content and it reminded me of my small, sweet surprise on friday. (don’t let the title worry you, that is not the part i am identifying with.)

preface to a twenty volume suicide note (leroi jones)

lately, i’ve become accustomed to the way
the ground opens up and envelops me
each time i go out to walk the dog.
or the broad edged silly music the wind
makes when i run for the bus –

things have come to that.

and now, each night i count the stars,
and each night i get the same number.
and when they will not come to be counted
i count the holes they leave.

nobody sings anymore.

and then last night, i tiptoed up
to my daughter’s room and heard her
talking to someone, and when i opened
the door, there was no one there . . .
only she on her knees,
peeking into her own clasped hands.

the second poem surprised me because it was the first poem in the book and already flagged as a favorite, but since i started in the back and moved my way to the front, it was the last poem that i saw. you know what, i think i will save the second poem for tomorrow’s entry. this blog is already way too long.

day five

one small, sweet surprise – and overall, just a good day. having taken the day off from work, i was able to spend time with a couple of really good friends to catch up on life, laugh, and just be. i walked around lake of the isles with the first friend i met and had lunch on the patio of a downtown restaurant with the other. it was very nice.

i was much more conscious today of how i might be a better reflector of god – thinking that perhaps if i’m willing, god could be using me to be the surprise for someone else. i’m not sure if he used me at all in that capacity today, but i like the idea of being a willing participant. and i like the fact that it’s an internal desire – that it starts within and then moves outward to affect others. it gives me hope that the desires of my heart may have some hint of purity in terms of motives.

later in the afternoon, i went grocery shopping and then picked up my daughters to spend the evening with them. i didn’t feel very patient and found myself trying to talk them out of certain activities, but ultimately caved so that they could end up doing what they wanted. i could sense that their repeated efforts to try and change my mind stemmed more from a desire to have fun than an attempt to simply get their own way. it’s amazing to me how they can be so sensitive in certain situations and then so strong and unaffected emotionally in others. it requires that i be very aware of responding to them “in the moment.” i feel like i fail most of the time, but i’m starting to allow myself a bit of grace.

my oldest daughter continues to surprise me with her knack for asking deep questions and wanting to dialogue about stuff. and it’s not just that she is beginning to ask great questions, but she actually has some wonderful and insightful things to say as we discuss them. my youngest likes to test the waters a bit more, but she is also going through this phase where she really wants to demonstrate how much she loves you through constant affection. it’s very sweet and seems to balance the “testing” part. i think that if i did a better job of paying attention, i would find that they probably surprise me more often than i realize.

so what was the sweet surprise? it happened when i walked back to my daughters’ bedroom to light their candle and then tuck them in for the night. we’ve just started this tradition of praying before crawling into bed, which visually, is very cool. it’s cool because i have a trundle bed for them to sleep in and we end up kneeling on the lower bed with our elbows resting on the upper bed – kind of like our own little kneeler, except way more comfortable. anyway, as my youngest and i walked back to the bedroom (she was being the little helper that she loves to be) we found that my oldest had already started her communication with god. however, she wasn’t praying with words. rather, she was praying in song. and this wasn’t just any song. it’s a song that she learned in school in the hebrew language. and every time she sings it, i can feel the presence of christ around us. perhaps she can feel it too. in fact, i can still remember the awestruck look on her face when i explained that she was singing in jesus’ language – the language that he used when he was on earth. she knows that it pleases me to hear her sing it and i think she knows that it pleases her heavenly papa too. it was a sweet bedtime surprise.

day four

the “something” may be the start of something more. deep within i am noticing something at work in me. i’m not sure what that something is or what the result will be, but i like the idea that there is movement. i’m starting to anticipate some sort of growth and development coming out of the discontentment, frustration, disbelief, and questioning that is taking place within my mind, my heart, and my soul. and i have four days of experimentation to thank for that.

nothing really surprised me today. it was a typical thursday. i worked most of the day and then participated in a small group that i joined a few weeks back – a great time of discussion that included both moments of challenge and encouragement. all of us in this group have been participating in the experiment and i found it incredibly helpful to be able to dialogue about it with others. the small group setting provided a perfect venue for me to verbalize my feelings in what i considered to be a safe environment. our discussion forced me to question two things – my timing and my expectations. first, i realized that i needed to give this experiment more time to develop and second, i needed to alter my expectations a bit.

“altering my expectations” does not, however, mean that i abandon the practice of thinking deeply or looking for moments of illumination along the way – moments where the light goes on and you instinctively say “wow” or “that’s unbelievable” or even “hmmm.” well, i had one of those moments today. hopefully i’ll be able to articulate it well enough for those reading this to understand, but if not, at least i can be thankful that it makes sense to me. here was my thought . . .

what if i have been misinterpreting or even limiting the purpose of this experimental prayer – specifically in how it relates to me. i’ve been praying “surprise me god” with the expectation that god would do something "for" me – as the recipient. but what if i prayed the prayer “surprise me god” with the expectation that god would do something "to" me – preparing me to be the surprise for someone else. in other words, i would become the participant. does that make sense? what if i would be open to the idea of both being "surprised" and being "the surprise?" another hmmm.

day three

not much, but something. i spent most of the day looking for some kind of dramatic surprise from god, but not really expecting it. not expecting it for a couple of reasons. first, there had been no surprises during the first two days, and as a result, i was starting to sense a shift in my feelings – slowly changing from discouragement to disbelief. i still wanted (and still do) something to surprise me, but my enthusiasm for the experiment was starting to fade. and second, i was starting to wonder if this whole idea of expecting these surprises to happen was in some small way prohibiting them from actually happening. was is simply an attempt to manipulate god into responding because i “expected” him too? and was he not responding because my motives were all messed up?

as i’ve mentioned previously, there seems to be a lot on my mind, and i’m starting to feel discontent in many areas of my life. i’m encouraged to know that discontentment can many times lead to some sort of re-evaluation, which in turn will lead to change (hopefully positive), but the going-through seems a bit foggy and often nebulous. it’s interesting, because i’m starting to even feel a bit of discontentment in my faith – which i think is actually one of the best things that could be happening to me. why? because it’s leading me into a phase of questioning what i know and searching for the things that i have yet to know. this realization finally hit me on tuesday night when i picked up a book that has been sitting on my nightstand for some time now. it’s called “a new kind of christian” and begins with the author identifying his discontentment with his job as a minister as well as his overall faith. perfect timing, eh? and what does all of this have to do with the experiment? i’m not sure – except that there seems to be some overlap in the way that i’m feeling about all of it.

okay, so back to the surprise. was it a surprise? or was it me latching on to something – so that i would feel like god had heard my prayer and responded. maybe a bit of both. why don’t you decide.

i was feeling a bit numb and apathetic, so i decided to get out of the office for awhile. my plan was to swing through taco bell for a couple of tacos and head over to the river to just sit and be. it seemed like a good diversion and in the back of my twisted little mind, i figured that i had at least a 50/50 chance of finding a surprise in one of my tacos (or any fast food in general). ha. anyway, as i was slowing down to make a right turn on broadway, in north minneapolis, i notice this 4 to 5 inch bubble floating along the sidewalk. it seemed very odd – a single bubble, all by itself, floating along. it floated for probably 5 seconds and then popped and disappeared. i quickly looked around for the source and found none. no one in sight. was this my surprise?

two thoughts hit me as i pontificated. the first is that i could sense god telling me to stop looking for him in the bubble, because he’s not there. well, he is there, but he’s also everywhere. you see, when that bubble popped and disappeared, it didn’t mean that the bubble was gone. the elements that formed the bubble where still either in the air or on the sidewalk, it’s just that they had separated so that their visual form could not be seen anymore. i keep looking for the “big” surprise, but god is everywhere. well, it seemed like a big thought, but something that i already knew. knowing and experiencing though are two different things. the bible verse that came to mind was the one about how jesus identified “seeing and believing” being a good thing but “not seeing and believing” being greater. all of that said, i still long to “see” and “experience” god in places that i haven’t before.

the second thought was this. kids like bubbles. in fact, they like a lot of things that adults have seemed to either give up or lost interest in. jesus talked about the importance of becoming like children in order to enter into the kingdom of god, and i wondered if i needed to become more kid-like before i would be able to see some of these surprises. hmmm, just a thought i guess.

perhaps the “something” was a little bigger than i thought.

day two

nothing. absolutely nothing again. before i continue though, let me at least clarify that god is very present in my life and that i see him all around me. i see him in the family that is waiting at the bus stop, i see him in the man that looks like he has absolutely nothing, i see him in the kids playing at the park across the street, i see him in my own kids on a daily basis, i see him in the couple that is fighting, i see him in the birds as they are flying and singing, i see him on the x-rated magazine stand, i see him in the trees, i even see him in the trash. but i don’t consider those surprises. (okay, thinking of god as a part of the x-rated magazine stand was a new thought for me, a “surprise” if you will, but it fell outside of the 30-day experiment.) a surprise is something that i picture as being new, something that i haven’t seen before. so, surprise me god!

if you were able to read my blog from yesterday, you already know that i was feeling pretty discouraged after the first day of this experiment, where nothing happened. so you can imagine how i am feeling after my second day ending with the same result. many thoughts are bouncing around in my brain. some seem good and spiritual to me and others seem bad and very much in the flesh. let’s start with the bad, shall we? my frustration and disappointment seem to be leading me down a path that i very much dislike. i have been able to identify a bit of arrogance in expecting god to do what i told him (or asked him) to do. why wouldn’t he do it? doesn’t he know that there have been many times in my life where i have felt let down? and why would he just add to those feelings of hurt and rejection? and then there are these feelings of the rebellious nature or possibly of defiance. it’s very human in nature. you know, where you feel like doing something just because you deserve it, whether it’s right or wrong. almost as if my flesh is saying, “god, if you’re not going to bring me this joy that i’m expecting, then i’m just going to find it myself.” and although i know that what i find will only last for a short time, i still find myself thinking those selfish thoughts. and in some cases actually acting upon them. argh!

so what thoughts have been good? one of the things that i’ve been thinking about is something that an old college friend of mine said to me a few months ago. well, we weren’t really friends, but we knew of each other through friends that we shared. we were catching up on each other’s lives and he began to tell me a story about prayer. it was part of a conversation that he had shared with a complete stranger on some sort of cd release tour. they were talking about how god had been working in this man’s life and how he had been answering his prayers and blessing him in his work. joe challenged this guy and asked him how he would have responded if god had not done what he was asking. did that mean that god was not present or not at work in his life? would his trust in god have been affected? and ultimately, would it have affected his faith?

what if god doesn’t surprise me at all over the next 28 days? will it affect my trust in him? will it affect my faith? how will it impact my journey?

i will say this. i can already see that this experiment is forcing me into some form of deeper self-evaluation. i don’t know that i really like that, but it may be exactly what i need. and perhaps what i find will be surprise enough for the next 30 years.

day one

nothing. absolutely nothing. it was a long day of work – stuck in the office for a little over twelve hours. i had a couple of meetings, a presentation, and some other odd things to do. by the end of the day, i was fried. it was about 8:30 p.m. when i actually left work and to be honest, i was both excited and terrified about leaving. since i had not experienced any kind of surprise during the day, i was anticipating something big to happen, perhaps on my way to the car. again, nothing.

i debated whether or not to stop by a surprise birthday party for a member of the community and ultimately decided to go for a bit. i'm not a big mingler – so these types of settings do not always bring out the best in me – but still i make the effort. i arrived at the party, said hello to the birthday boy, and then found a couple of familiar faces to chew the fat. i left my coat on the entire time and after fumbling over my words here and there, i finally decided to head home to have a late dinner and go to bed.

i think it was 11:30 p.m. when i finally laid down on my bed. i had eaten, washed a few dishes, picked up a couple of things around the apartment, and was ready for a good night sleep. although i was exhausted, i found it hard to sleep. i felt a certain level of disappointment. i was frustrated and discouraged and if completely honest, was feeling a bit let down by god. why wouldn't he surprise me? was i too absorbed in my day that i overlooked it or missed it? or could it be that he actually had no surprise for me. nothing? like i said, i was tired after the long day, but i began to recognize that i was tired of much more – tired of a variety of things in my life.

as i flopped onto the bed, tears began to form in each of my eyes and i found myself telling my heavenly papa exactly how i felt...disappointed, tired of stuff, frustrated, confused, etc. i know exactly what my voice said, but wonder what my spirit was actually saying. life seems thick to me at the moment. i understand my need to walk through it, yet it seems a bit tricky, with visibility limited and the outcomes unsure. my inclination is to move quickly, so that i don't get caught in a storm, but i am beginning to realize that god may want me to slow down instead...trusting him in the process, however long that may take.

so the day ends without a surprise. and i guess in some small way, that was my surprise.