day four

the “something” may be the start of something more. deep within i am noticing something at work in me. i’m not sure what that something is or what the result will be, but i like the idea that there is movement. i’m starting to anticipate some sort of growth and development coming out of the discontentment, frustration, disbelief, and questioning that is taking place within my mind, my heart, and my soul. and i have four days of experimentation to thank for that.

nothing really surprised me today. it was a typical thursday. i worked most of the day and then participated in a small group that i joined a few weeks back – a great time of discussion that included both moments of challenge and encouragement. all of us in this group have been participating in the experiment and i found it incredibly helpful to be able to dialogue about it with others. the small group setting provided a perfect venue for me to verbalize my feelings in what i considered to be a safe environment. our discussion forced me to question two things – my timing and my expectations. first, i realized that i needed to give this experiment more time to develop and second, i needed to alter my expectations a bit.

“altering my expectations” does not, however, mean that i abandon the practice of thinking deeply or looking for moments of illumination along the way – moments where the light goes on and you instinctively say “wow” or “that’s unbelievable” or even “hmmm.” well, i had one of those moments today. hopefully i’ll be able to articulate it well enough for those reading this to understand, but if not, at least i can be thankful that it makes sense to me. here was my thought . . .

what if i have been misinterpreting or even limiting the purpose of this experimental prayer – specifically in how it relates to me. i’ve been praying “surprise me god” with the expectation that god would do something "for" me – as the recipient. but what if i prayed the prayer “surprise me god” with the expectation that god would do something "to" me – preparing me to be the surprise for someone else. in other words, i would become the participant. does that make sense? what if i would be open to the idea of both being "surprised" and being "the surprise?" another hmmm.