does jesus hurt?

i’ve been thinking a lot about how much it hurts to pour everything you have into someone, only to have them pull back and ask that the relationship be less than it was. initially, this is devastating. it can cause some very deep wounds and a boatload of hurt. but then, over time, the hurt turns to sadness and the sadness to acceptance and we find that we can boldly move forward. in some cases, we move forward with the other individual – in the capacity that they’ve requested. and in other cases, we simply walk away – leaving the relationship behind altogether.

now, what’s interesting about all of this, is how quickly we can discard our feelings for those that pull away from us. since the relationship doesn’t seem to be working out the way that we had wanted or intended (and because we don’t like to be wounded), we try to convince ourselves that the feelings we once had, need to be abandoned. we simply try to get rid of them – in whatever way we can. for some, this process takes days, and for others, months or even years. but isn’t it interesting how quickly we begin to search for someone else – once that process is complete?

you see, we have something inside of us that is longing to be filled by relationships. and when they (those relationships) don’t seem to be fulfilling or meeting all of our expectations – or when they deteriorate – we immediately start looking for someone else to fill that empty spot in our lives. we typically don’t wait because we are under the impression that we must have mistaken the relationship (or individual) for something that it wasn’t. or we think that we completely misread the situation. or that we acted out of desire instead of reason. but where do trust and hope fit into all of this? what if that person really was (or is) “the one?” do we ever hold on and wait?

well, i don’t have the answers. and i can tell you from personal experience that these types of situations are incredibly difficult to process and work through. in fact, it’s not an enjoyable experience at all – to have someone draw near and then pull away. and often, i find myself complaining, whining, and just sitting in a puddle of discouragement. and then it hit me. i wonder if this is exactly how christ feels – at times. he passionately pursues us with everything that he has and yet too often, we pull back and desire for the relationship to be less complicated and less involved. we want the relationship to be on our terms – where we feel comfortable and we can maintain some kind of control. sometimes, we stay in the relationship, but there are also times when we might actually walk away.

the good news for us, is that jesus is omnipotent. he knows that this is the perfect relationship. and because he knows that we are “the one,” he waits for us. he doesn’t start looking for someone to replace us – to replace the role that we would play in his life (or in his kingdom). but i do wonder how he feels. is he devastated? does he get discouraged? does he hurt? maybe the pain that i feel in relationships isn’t really that big of a deal in the big scheme of things. perhaps i should be paying more attention to my relationship with christ. here’s a thought...i can so easily be hurt by the one who doesn’t respond to my pursuit, but am i actively responding to christ’s pursuit of me? ahhh, more on my long list of things to think about.

sign

i looked in the mirror this morning, but i couldn’t see it. why couldn’t i see it? it seems like everyone else can. but for some reason i can’t. i’m talking about the big sign on my forehead that reads, “i’m a nice guy. i won’t care. go ahead and let me down.”

i’ve felt let down by family, friends, and co-workers many times in my life and every time it happens, it hurts. not just a little, but a ton. people just don’t get it. they don’t understand that when you break your word, it’s like saying, “you’re just not as important to me as this other thing that i want or need to do.” or in some cases, “you’re just not important.” sure there are times when commitments need to be broken – for work or an emergency – but when the reason given is an excuse of some kind, it simply hurts. the disappointment eventually passes. the frustration eventually passes. but the feeling of being let down does not. for some reason, it’s hard for that feeling to pass. it lingers. and it plays with my thoughts. it messes with the way that i see myself and the way in which i see others.

there have been very few times in my recent life when i’ve broken a commitment or not done what i said i would do. that’s not to say that i haven’t, and it’s not to say that i’m better than anyone else. that’s not why i follow through. i follow through because i know how it feels to be on the other end. i know the importance of people’s feelings and how imperative it is for people to feel valued – for me to feel valued.

so, why does this keep happening to me? do people think that being let down has no emotion attached? do they honestly think that i will just accept the fact that they bailed on me and feel nothing? what am i missing? where is that sign? and what exactly does it say?