day two

nothing. absolutely nothing again. before i continue though, let me at least clarify that god is very present in my life and that i see him all around me. i see him in the family that is waiting at the bus stop, i see him in the man that looks like he has absolutely nothing, i see him in the kids playing at the park across the street, i see him in my own kids on a daily basis, i see him in the couple that is fighting, i see him in the birds as they are flying and singing, i see him on the x-rated magazine stand, i see him in the trees, i even see him in the trash. but i don’t consider those surprises. (okay, thinking of god as a part of the x-rated magazine stand was a new thought for me, a “surprise” if you will, but it fell outside of the 30-day experiment.) a surprise is something that i picture as being new, something that i haven’t seen before. so, surprise me god!

if you were able to read my blog from yesterday, you already know that i was feeling pretty discouraged after the first day of this experiment, where nothing happened. so you can imagine how i am feeling after my second day ending with the same result. many thoughts are bouncing around in my brain. some seem good and spiritual to me and others seem bad and very much in the flesh. let’s start with the bad, shall we? my frustration and disappointment seem to be leading me down a path that i very much dislike. i have been able to identify a bit of arrogance in expecting god to do what i told him (or asked him) to do. why wouldn’t he do it? doesn’t he know that there have been many times in my life where i have felt let down? and why would he just add to those feelings of hurt and rejection? and then there are these feelings of the rebellious nature or possibly of defiance. it’s very human in nature. you know, where you feel like doing something just because you deserve it, whether it’s right or wrong. almost as if my flesh is saying, “god, if you’re not going to bring me this joy that i’m expecting, then i’m just going to find it myself.” and although i know that what i find will only last for a short time, i still find myself thinking those selfish thoughts. and in some cases actually acting upon them. argh!

so what thoughts have been good? one of the things that i’ve been thinking about is something that an old college friend of mine said to me a few months ago. well, we weren’t really friends, but we knew of each other through friends that we shared. we were catching up on each other’s lives and he began to tell me a story about prayer. it was part of a conversation that he had shared with a complete stranger on some sort of cd release tour. they were talking about how god had been working in this man’s life and how he had been answering his prayers and blessing him in his work. joe challenged this guy and asked him how he would have responded if god had not done what he was asking. did that mean that god was not present or not at work in his life? would his trust in god have been affected? and ultimately, would it have affected his faith?

what if god doesn’t surprise me at all over the next 28 days? will it affect my trust in him? will it affect my faith? how will it impact my journey?

i will say this. i can already see that this experiment is forcing me into some form of deeper self-evaluation. i don’t know that i really like that, but it may be exactly what i need. and perhaps what i find will be surprise enough for the next 30 years.