day eighteen

surprised at how far i have left to go. today i realized how unlike christ i really am. it was humbling, embarrassing, frustrating, and enlightening – all at the same time. i was just returning from running a few errands over lunch and was approaching the front door of the building where i work, when i heard a familiar voice. “sir?” i tried to ignore it, but it persisted – this time a little louder. “sir?” still, i paid no attention. i had a lot on my mind and was needing to get back to work. then i heard it again – so loud that i could no longer avoid it. “sir!”

i turned and responded with an impatient and prideful “yes?” and as the homeless man approached me, i could already sense a spirit within that was anything but the spirit of christ. he explained to me that he needed “six for the shelter.” i wasn’t following, and asked him to repeat himself several times. basically, he wanted some of my money. part of what irritated me was the fact that he seemed to expect it. he wasn’t really asking – he just expected. the problem here is that i was too busy focusing on his behavior and judging his appearance, tactics, motives, etc., that i completely lost sight of the way i was treating him. (i should have been focusing on my own behavior instead.) i told him that i wasn’t carrying any cash but that i had change. “do you want it?” what a stupid and rhetorical question. of course he wanted it, but i was making him work for it. in spite, i dumped a handful of change into his hand and started to walk away. as i turned, i noticed this man slowly lower his head to look at the coins and then i heard him say, “bless you.” bless me? and that’s when it hit me. here is a man who simply wants a meal and a bed and i’m selfishly thinking about the two quarters that i was going to use for half a load of laundry or a parking meter. i am such an idiot sometimes.

as soon as i set foot in the elevator, my heart felt heavy. how is it that one day i can be driving by a homeless person on the street and feel led to intercede on their behalf, and then the next, treat another like a dog – much like the samaritans were treated back in the day. i hate that about myself. and it hurts me to write about this because i can see so many areas of this encounter that line up with or remind me of stories i’ve read about in the bible. and not the good ones. i denied this man three times before realizing it. i considered myself (my thoughts and my schedule) as being much more important than the condition and needs of this man – making me the pharisee. i avoided the teachings of jesus and the early church in making a distinction between mine and his (there was no community in this story). and then i made him work for what he wanted – belittling him and requiring him to acknowledge that he wanted what i had. essentially, i made him beg (something that god never requires of me).

this incident stuck with me all day. it burdened me in some way and i didn’t like it. i hoped that god would give me another opportunity with this man – not so much to give him more money, but just to apologize for my behavior and to ask a few questions that would allow him to dialogue with me on his terms. unfortunately, that opportunity never came.

last night, i attended a function that addressed the real-life struggles of ex-convicts in our communities. the stories were authentic, depressing, scary, unbelievable, and inspiring. the panelists had many things in common, but the greatest was that each of them had encountered god. and i found it amazing that he had met them in their time of greatest need and often greatest struggle. i was also amazed at the struggle that was birthed in me. as i listened to these ex-offenders share with us what they had been through, i could see jesus embracing each one of them without any hesitation. and yet i wondered if i would be able to do the same. i struggled with the fact that my heart wasn’t pure. could i really invite one of these individuals into my life and love them unconditionally? would my feelings of fear, skepticism, and distrust get in the way? would i? could i? should i?

was i surprised today? yes, and the surprise was me. the surprise was bad. and the surprise was good. god help me.