a broken heart

i’ve been reading and thinking quite a bit about relationships over the past couple of weeks. why? perhaps it’s because my heart was recently broken by one that i loved. and it’s left me hurting, wanting, questioning, pondering, doubting, crying, writing, and processing. most of all, it’s left my mind, heart, body, and soul feeling numb all over.

there are moments when i just want to jump right in and find someone else to love. and then there are moments when i think that i will never pursue another romantic relationship again. what’s the point of putting myself in a position to be hurt again, right? and yet i know that there can be such huge rewards when we take risks. (at least that’s what i try to tell myself.)

i’m tired of being hurt. and to be honest, i am feeling angry. first towards the enemy who i believe is out to distract us and get us off course, and ultimately keep us from the life that god intends for us. but i’ve also been feeling angry towards god. i feel as if the relationship that i had was a gift from him and yet he allowed it to be taken from me. why would he do that? actually, i know why, but it sucks. free will. i have a choice and those i am in relationship with have a choice as well. and when those choices don’t line up, someone usually gets hurt. so then, if god knew that i was going to get hurt, why would he have even put me in that position? couldn’t he have protected me from it all together? you don’t give someone a gift and then take it away, do you? i honored that gift and poured everything i had into it, but here i sit, spent and alone.

and then there are the munchkins. whether they like it or not – whether they understand it or not – they are expected to play along in all of this. they have experienced joy and pain just like me in this relationship. i’m happy for the joy, but feel responsible for the pain. i try to explain, but i don’t know that they really get it. and i wonder sometimes what they are learning about relationships from me. (probably an entirely different blog.)

i think that the tragedy in all of this is that i don’t know that i will ever be able to pour myself into anyone whole-heartedly again. there will always be this voice in the back of my head, or on my shoulder, or in my stomach (you get the idea) that will whisper doubt into my ear and challenge my ability to trust. outside voices tell me that in time, i will be able to love again, to pursue again, and to trust again, but i worry that the damage has already been done. and even though i know that god can heal me, i doubt my own ability to let go of this newly acquired baggage (conveniently relabeled “self-preservation”) so that he could actually do it.

(insert sigh here) . . . it seems like when my heart broke, some other things must have broken as well.