disconnected

i’m feeling incredibly disconnected lately. disconnected from church. disconnected from others. disconnected from christians. disconnected from my faith. i think i’m just getting tired of so many things operating on the surface. i hate the surface. i understand the need for surface, but still dislike it quite a bit.

and i am starting to tire of loops. things that keep looping around and around and around. i want things to be fresh. not the routine of telling the same stories over and over again. not the routine of going through the same motions. but living life in the moment. actually participating in life rather than just observing. allowing my days to be more fluid and less structured.

i am feeling unsatisfied and yet content simultaneously and am unsure of its meaning or implications. sitting in it is not that big of a deal. in fact, i am enjoying that part of it – anticipating something to happen. some sort of epiphany or leading. a revelation of some kind. get this – i am trusting that my loss of faith will actually result in a strengthened faith. renewed. refreshed. clearer.

but the reality is that i’m losing faith in a lot of things. and given this time of the year and the nearing election, i am finding myself losing faith in people – especially americans. the division of our country based on political party is starting to disgust me. it’s us versus them, smearing of all kinds, finger-pointing, ripping, etcetera. everyone thinks that they are right and the other is wrong. hypocrisy rules and it’s saddening.

it seems like so many things that i’m encountering in the world lately are having a negative impact on me. the state of the world makes my head spin. politically motivated speeches and movies and commentary make my heart ache. simplified and echoing church speak leaves my soul empty. and the list goes on and on.

and so i wait. patiently. to find connections. or for connections to find me.