beginning to curl

i’m still processing the loss of relationship in my life, but am starting to find a bit of healing in all of the muddlement. (is that even a word?) i’ve been in such a dark place, and still find myself drawn to the shadows, but i am starting to see some light. the first ray of light came in the form of a quote that i had written down some time ago, but had recently rediscovered as i was looking through some old files on my computer. the quote said, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” now, that’s a lot easier said than done, but it does give me a completely different perspective on the past eight months of my life. in fact, it really could give me a completely different perspective on the past thirty-four years. why? well, i think it’s forcing me to look at the positive outcomes in my circumstances as opposed to the negative. (which i so often do.)

subconsciously, i was aware of this concept within the first week of separation, but i think that it may have been a bit forced – forced in the sense that i was doing it not because it was the right thing to do, but because i thought it was the right thing to do. i soon realized the wisdom in what i had done. i remember asking myself if i thought that i was a better person as a result of this relationship, or if i had become worse. surprisingly, i was able to list ten areas of my life where i had seen improvements. wow! ten? i am a better father. i have a better understanding of the importance of friendship. i have a better understanding of the importance of community. i’ve encountered people of faith who live very differently than i do. i’ve learned so much about the world. it’s amazing. and i found it easier to appreciate the gift that i was given – the gift that i was able to hold and cherish – instead of dwelling on the fact that the gift was taken away. (okay, i still think about the “taking away” part, but just not as much.)

now, anyone who really knows me, knows that my mind is constantly working. i think way too much. it’s as if there are voices that are constantly speaking and they continuously chatter – this side of the coin, that side of the coin – playing out every possible scenario. it’s both a blessing and a curse. and this loss of relationship has given these voices plenty to talk about. what’s worse is that my memory is incredibly sharp, which means that i virtually remember every hour, minute, and second of this relationship – where we were, what we were doing, what was being said – every detail. there were times when my brain literally felt like a busy restaurant with conversations happening everywhere, all at the same time.

but in the midst of all of this, there was something very interesting that started to happen. it started towards the end of last week. i can’t explain it. it just happened. thoughts continued to form in my mind, but instead of playing out each thought, i found the corners of my mouth starting to curl and a silly grin forming on my face. i couldn’t figure out what was going on. was i just trying to cover up the pain? was i so completely messed up that my body was starting to freak out? i’m not sure. but one thought that i had is that i was finally experiencing what it meant to take every thought captive. i think that i was beginning to realize that all of these thoughts weren’t going to change a thing. i couldn’t go back and change the past. i couldn’t figure out what was going to happen in the future. and the present? how in the world did i have any clue what was going on in the present? what was i thinking? what was she thinking? i could easily form all kinds of scenarios and possibilities, but none of them based on facts. they would all have been based on assumptions. what’s the point? and then it hit me. all of these thoughts were simply distractions. and i was finding humor in the idea that the enemy was messing with me and trying to distract me – over and over and over again.

what i realized is this. the only power that the enemy can have in my life is the power that i give him. and i’m tired of giving him anything. i want to give to those that are a part of my life. i want to give to those that cross my path. i want to give to those who are in need. i want to give to my family, my friends, and my community. no more distractions. no more lies. and no more living in a place that feels so controlling and empty. this is what i need. i need to live a life that is filled with joy. i need to feel whole and fully alive. i need to glow. i’m certainly not there yet, and it will probably be slow going, but i can feel the desire within me to start pursuing that kind of life. a life that is filled with light, not darkness. i imagine that it’s warm there. and i’ve heard that the air is thick with hope. and as i sit here writing – pondering that kind of life – i can feel the corners of my mouth beginning to curl.