integrity

a friend challenged a group of us over the weekend to spend some time thinking about the existence of integrity in our lives. and to think about whether or not we are actually pursuing integrity. according to webster’s dictionary, integrity is the idea of being incorruptible, sound, and complete (or undivided). i like that idea and i like the idea of being that kind of person, but i can hear a voice in my head saying, “you? good luck. you’re a broken-down, mess of a man who fails all of the time. do you really think...”

okay, so is it even possible?

i want to be a man of integrity, but by definition, it seems unattainable and something that perhaps, can only be pursued. in fact, i think it would be highly arrogant of me to think that i could ever be incorruptible. i think it would be foolish of me to think that i will always remain sound. and to think that i could ever be complete is unfathomable. and so my immediate reaction is that i can’t be that which i want to be – game over, let the sulking begin. and yet i know people who i consider to be living lives of integrity. so how does this all work?

here are a few thoughts.

integrity is not perfection. integrity is not the “little picture.” and integrity does not focus on short-comings. no one is incorruptible, sound, or undivided (regardless of appearances.) we are all human and we all make mistakes. but we can’t dwell on those mistakes and forget the good that surrounds them. we need to evaluate integrity in the larger picture of a person’s life – where we step back and look at chunks of time rather than slivers. where we look at track records instead of individual races. where we look at seasons instead of moments. i do that (or at least i try to do that). it may be inconsistent from person to person, but i’m working on it. here is a scary reality though. i find it a lot easier to evaluate others within this context of flexibility than i do myself. i can say “i do that” with others, but do i do it with myself? not often. for some reason, i hold myself to a higher (almost unattainable) standard, with unimaginable expectations. why do i do that? i expect so much from myself and often find that i’m living under this shadow of darkness – keeping me from the life of integrity that god desires for me.

there needs to be grace.

this friend went on to talk about how large a role “shame” plays in keeping us from a life of integrity. we want to look good on the outside and yet we are falling apart on the inside. our inner selves and outer selves are divided. and we are ashamed of revealing the truth – of letting people see our reality. the shame that we feel (and hold onto) overpowers the grace that god has for us. lauryn hill (on one of her albums) talks about the differences between fantasy and reality. and the reality is that we all have issues. we all have things in our lives that we are ashamed of. she says that we are all in the same boat, dealing with the same stuff. and yet we continue to put on a show because we are afraid to admit to others that we don’t have it all together. we are afraid to admit the truth and through grace, find comfort in that truth. why? because we have accepted a lie. we have accepted the idea that there are some people who do have it all together. and that’s just not true. no one has it all together. they have simply found a way to mask their pain, their brokenness, and their shame.

it’s time to lose the shame in your game. or is it lose the game in your shame?

it’s a bit odd to me because as i tried to identify those areas of my life that i was ashamed of, i couldn’t. that’s not to say that there aren’t things in my life that shouldn’t be there or that discourage me (or perhaps that i’m not admitting), but for the most part, i can’t really find anything that i’m ashamed of. wait, that’s not true. there are things that i’m ashamed of, but i’m not ashamed of who i am. i am who i am. and i’m okay with that – broken and all. and i think that there is a great deal of integrity in that. one of webster’s definitions for corrupt is “to alter from the original or correct form or version.” interesting, don’t you think? by acknowledging the true me, i am actually being the opposite of corrupt. and i find soundness and unity in that. that would make me a man of integrity. that would make me the kind of man that i didn’t think i could become. that would mean that integrity is attainable.

one final thought. i think we are all concerned about how others perceive us – the real us, the inner us. so we try to fix all of our imperfections. we fail, we fall short, and we often screw the whole thing up. and our immediate reaction is to get out the tools and patch the cracks. we think that we should fix them in order to look more appealing. but what if the cracks are simply a way of letting the inner integrity in all of us spill out? what if it’s actually the mistakes and failures that reveal integrity (rather than the lack of them)? now there’s a thonder.