painfully inflamed

i’ve been getting angry lately. angry at life. angry at the enemy. and angry at god. (i think.) life is seeming more and more like a requirement to me instead of privilege. i feel like i am required to be here and for the most part, am not really enjoying myself. (perhaps this is just a season, but that season keeps returning.) there is dysfunction. there is chaos. there is oppression. there is struggle. and i’m not talking about what i’ve been seeing in the world, i’m talking about what i’ve been seeing in myself. i’ve been telling myself (and others) lately that god want so much more – and that we aren’t really living the life that god intended. and i strongly believe that. but that statement does very little beyond its attempt to inspire an attitude adjustment.

one of the definitions that webster’s dictionary gives for the word “angry” is “painfully inflamed.” interesting definition, isn’t it? interesting to me anyway, because that’s exactly how i feel. i feel pain all over. physical. emotional. spiritual. intellectual. maybe the word “sore” is more accurate. i feel sore. or maybe uncomfortable. but that lack of comfort usually leads to irritation and ultimately pain. (do you like how i took you full circle there?) there is always something that seems to be under attack and i’m finding it really hard to sustain any kind of joy or happiness. sure there are moments (of happiness) and i am always appreciative of those moments. moments by myself. moments with my kids. moments with friends. but why do those moments seem so brief and often overshadowed by moments of sadness? and i’m not sure that “sadness” really encompasses all that i’m talking about. loneliness. despair. depression. hopelessness. brokenness. failure. embarrassment. timidness. etcetera. i just don’t get it. if god intends for us (his followers) to let our light shine and if light is supposed to overpower the darkness, why does it feel so dark most of the time?

whose fault is it? is it god’s fault for not giving me the joy that i seek? is it the enemy’s fault for successfully distracting me from what’s really important? is it my fault for carrying around so much baggage and overanalyzing everything? and how does all of this work in a fallen world?

one of the things that i’ve really started to understand over the past couple of months is this whole idea of recognizing truth. seriously, it’s really got me jazzed. i think it’s important to distinguish between truth and lies, reality and fantasy, and the ability to focus instead of being distracted. however, this also has me a bit freaked out. i need help distinguishing. i’m not always very good at it. as a follower of jesus, i’ve been promised the holy spirit who will help me navigate some of these things (or all of these things) but i don’t always feel that spirit. and maybe that’s the big question in all of this. what in the world am i supposed to do when i can’t feel this spirit (or god) directing me. i know he’s there. i believe it. but i can’t always feel him.

here’s another question. how am i supposed to feel joy when i can’t feel god? how am i supposed to feel happiness in the midst of struggle? this can’t be what god intended. in fact, in the garden, he used to walk and talk with adam and eve. and even after sin found its way into the world, he walked and talked with others. there was abraham. there was elijah. there were other prophets. then jesus came to earth and walked and talked. walking with individuals. walking with crowds. walking with multitudes. and after jesus left, he promised to leave his spirit to walk and talk with us. so there is a history of god coming in the form of himself, jesus, and the holy spirit, and walking and talking with people. why not me? or why doesn’t it feel that way?

i want to feel him. i want to feel “full.” i want to feel “whole.” and i don’t.

so i’m asking myself, “do i have the right to feel angry?” and “who am i supposed to be angry with?”

i’m not really looking for your answer here. instead, i’m hoping that god will answer. (and hopefully i will have the patience to wait for his reply.)