voices

i don’t like struggles. who does? but i was reminded last night that struggles have the ability form and shape us. both the struggle itself and the way in which we respond. but can i be honest here? i’m tired. and i’m guessing that i’m not alone in my thinking. struggles suck. i struggle as a father. i struggle as a son. i struggle with sin. i struggle in relationships. i struggle at work. i struggle all of the time.

and although the struggle is often without (meaning external), i’m finding that the struggle is constant within. there are voices in my head that constantly chatter. they say so many different things. they remind me of the past. they tell me that they can interpret the present. and they try to predict the future. there is the good voice and the bad voice. the right voice and the wrong voice. the shouting voice and the whispering voice. the encouraging voice and the accusing voice. lots and lots of voices. and this is the struggle that i dislike the most.

sometimes i just want silence. or peace. or rest. and yet i don’t always do well in those settings. why? because it’s not familiar. as much as i dislike the chatter, i’ve gotten used to it. (it may not be healthy, but it’s familiar.)

part of me wishes that there was a short period in my life where struggle failed to exist. and instead, there would be nothing but blessings. good things that would bring joy and freedom and life. a time where tensions would vanish. where disagreements would go on their fifteen minute break. where sibling rivalry would take a vacation. where temptation would bury it’s head in the sand. growth doesn’t only occur in the midst of struggle, right? i have to believe that we can be formed and shaped by good experiences too. and yet i know that struggle has its place. at least that’s what one voice is telling me.

the trick here may be to figure out which voice to actually listen to. (much easier said than done.) in a perfect world, we would be able to find the voice of truth because the others would fail to exist. but because of experiences, failures, wounds, etcetera, we have been confused. we have been turned into unbelieving creatures who want proof and usually question until we find it. we’ve been lied to. distracted. cheated. abused. taken advantage of. used. and often, it becomes very difficult to focus on the one voice that desires to speak truth into our lives. we don’t know which voice to believe anymore.

i want to find the voice that speaks truth to me. the one that says good things about me. the one that encourages me. and although i may need to search a bit, i have this odd feeling that when i find it, it will sound very familiar. i don’t know that i’ll be able to explain it, but somehow, i will recognize it. and it will all have been worth the struggle – the struggle that is effectively forming and shaping me into the man that god desires for me to be. and with that goal in mind, i will struggle along.

there is a japanese proverb that says “fall seven times, stand up eight.” and although is seems easier sometimes to just stay on the ground, i will always get back up. i have to. i need to. i want to. and there’s a voice telling me that i’ll be better for it.