a good reminder from africa

i stumbled across an african proverb last week that intrigued me. not only the proverb itself, but the explanation of its background as well. it’s a good reminder for me to really listen and discern – listening to the words, but also paying close attention to the motives, of the person speaking. it’s also a good reminder for me to surround myself with people who truly care about me and have my best interests at heart. perhaps god can/will use these individuals to be the voice (or at least confirm the voice) that i have been seeking. here is what i found.

tuareg proverb
ta n-ameri salah, ta n-amiksan sadsa.

english translation
the (word) of a friend makes you cry; the (word) of an enemy makes you laugh.

background, explanation and everyday use
the tuaregs are a nomadic people of the central and western sahara and along the middle niger from tombouctou to nigeria. interpersonal relationships are very close and tight in the tuareg society.

advice given by someone who has your best interests at heart is sometimes unpleasant and even painful, but the person who seeks your downfall may deliberately encourage you toward hidden danger with advice that seems pleasant and good. this tuareg proverb is used in two ways: either as an encouragement to take harsh advice from a friend in the spirit it is intended, or as a warning not to follow the deceptively attractive advice of someone who doesn't have our interests at heart.

biblical parallels
proverbs 27:6: “well meant are the wounds a friend inflicts, but profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

contemporary use and religious application
for the tuaregs and indeed for all people everywhere, there is a great need for discernment regarding the company we keep and the advice we take.

voices

i don’t like struggles. who does? but i was reminded last night that struggles have the ability form and shape us. both the struggle itself and the way in which we respond. but can i be honest here? i’m tired. and i’m guessing that i’m not alone in my thinking. struggles suck. i struggle as a father. i struggle as a son. i struggle with sin. i struggle in relationships. i struggle at work. i struggle all of the time.

and although the struggle is often without (meaning external), i’m finding that the struggle is constant within. there are voices in my head that constantly chatter. they say so many different things. they remind me of the past. they tell me that they can interpret the present. and they try to predict the future. there is the good voice and the bad voice. the right voice and the wrong voice. the shouting voice and the whispering voice. the encouraging voice and the accusing voice. lots and lots of voices. and this is the struggle that i dislike the most.

sometimes i just want silence. or peace. or rest. and yet i don’t always do well in those settings. why? because it’s not familiar. as much as i dislike the chatter, i’ve gotten used to it. (it may not be healthy, but it’s familiar.)

part of me wishes that there was a short period in my life where struggle failed to exist. and instead, there would be nothing but blessings. good things that would bring joy and freedom and life. a time where tensions would vanish. where disagreements would go on their fifteen minute break. where sibling rivalry would take a vacation. where temptation would bury it’s head in the sand. growth doesn’t only occur in the midst of struggle, right? i have to believe that we can be formed and shaped by good experiences too. and yet i know that struggle has its place. at least that’s what one voice is telling me.

the trick here may be to figure out which voice to actually listen to. (much easier said than done.) in a perfect world, we would be able to find the voice of truth because the others would fail to exist. but because of experiences, failures, wounds, etcetera, we have been confused. we have been turned into unbelieving creatures who want proof and usually question until we find it. we’ve been lied to. distracted. cheated. abused. taken advantage of. used. and often, it becomes very difficult to focus on the one voice that desires to speak truth into our lives. we don’t know which voice to believe anymore.

i want to find the voice that speaks truth to me. the one that says good things about me. the one that encourages me. and although i may need to search a bit, i have this odd feeling that when i find it, it will sound very familiar. i don’t know that i’ll be able to explain it, but somehow, i will recognize it. and it will all have been worth the struggle – the struggle that is effectively forming and shaping me into the man that god desires for me to be. and with that goal in mind, i will struggle along.

there is a japanese proverb that says “fall seven times, stand up eight.” and although is seems easier sometimes to just stay on the ground, i will always get back up. i have to. i need to. i want to. and there’s a voice telling me that i’ll be better for it.

painfully inflamed

i’ve been getting angry lately. angry at life. angry at the enemy. and angry at god. (i think.) life is seeming more and more like a requirement to me instead of privilege. i feel like i am required to be here and for the most part, am not really enjoying myself. (perhaps this is just a season, but that season keeps returning.) there is dysfunction. there is chaos. there is oppression. there is struggle. and i’m not talking about what i’ve been seeing in the world, i’m talking about what i’ve been seeing in myself. i’ve been telling myself (and others) lately that god want so much more – and that we aren’t really living the life that god intended. and i strongly believe that. but that statement does very little beyond its attempt to inspire an attitude adjustment.

one of the definitions that webster’s dictionary gives for the word “angry” is “painfully inflamed.” interesting definition, isn’t it? interesting to me anyway, because that’s exactly how i feel. i feel pain all over. physical. emotional. spiritual. intellectual. maybe the word “sore” is more accurate. i feel sore. or maybe uncomfortable. but that lack of comfort usually leads to irritation and ultimately pain. (do you like how i took you full circle there?) there is always something that seems to be under attack and i’m finding it really hard to sustain any kind of joy or happiness. sure there are moments (of happiness) and i am always appreciative of those moments. moments by myself. moments with my kids. moments with friends. but why do those moments seem so brief and often overshadowed by moments of sadness? and i’m not sure that “sadness” really encompasses all that i’m talking about. loneliness. despair. depression. hopelessness. brokenness. failure. embarrassment. timidness. etcetera. i just don’t get it. if god intends for us (his followers) to let our light shine and if light is supposed to overpower the darkness, why does it feel so dark most of the time?

whose fault is it? is it god’s fault for not giving me the joy that i seek? is it the enemy’s fault for successfully distracting me from what’s really important? is it my fault for carrying around so much baggage and overanalyzing everything? and how does all of this work in a fallen world?

one of the things that i’ve really started to understand over the past couple of months is this whole idea of recognizing truth. seriously, it’s really got me jazzed. i think it’s important to distinguish between truth and lies, reality and fantasy, and the ability to focus instead of being distracted. however, this also has me a bit freaked out. i need help distinguishing. i’m not always very good at it. as a follower of jesus, i’ve been promised the holy spirit who will help me navigate some of these things (or all of these things) but i don’t always feel that spirit. and maybe that’s the big question in all of this. what in the world am i supposed to do when i can’t feel this spirit (or god) directing me. i know he’s there. i believe it. but i can’t always feel him.

here’s another question. how am i supposed to feel joy when i can’t feel god? how am i supposed to feel happiness in the midst of struggle? this can’t be what god intended. in fact, in the garden, he used to walk and talk with adam and eve. and even after sin found its way into the world, he walked and talked with others. there was abraham. there was elijah. there were other prophets. then jesus came to earth and walked and talked. walking with individuals. walking with crowds. walking with multitudes. and after jesus left, he promised to leave his spirit to walk and talk with us. so there is a history of god coming in the form of himself, jesus, and the holy spirit, and walking and talking with people. why not me? or why doesn’t it feel that way?

i want to feel him. i want to feel “full.” i want to feel “whole.” and i don’t.

so i’m asking myself, “do i have the right to feel angry?” and “who am i supposed to be angry with?”

i’m not really looking for your answer here. instead, i’m hoping that god will answer. (and hopefully i will have the patience to wait for his reply.)

seven things that i want

i want to be happy
i want to be loved
i want to be pursued
i want to learn
i want to journey with others
i want to be in community
i want to grow

breathe

if i was created
as a unique,
one-of-a-kind
individual
with special gifts
and purpose,
why does it feel
like i am
often wearing
a costume?

what am i
ashamed of;
afraid of?

at times,
i wish
that i could
escape
through a
trap door
and find
solace and peace
in an isolated
place.

why am i
gasping;
suffocating?

i need you
to remind me –
breathe life
into me –
so that i can shed
all that i am not
and live
as you
created me
to be.

inspired by a friend
© 2006 Kris E. Lindquist

lifted

i felt the
warmth
of the sun
on my face
today.
i turned
towards
the window
and closed
my eyes.
the light
penetrated
the darkness
within and
my spirit
felt lifted.

© 2006 Kris E. Lindquist

want

i’m afraid
to trust myself.
i can’t see you,
hear you,
feel you,
yet i know
you are there.

something in
my spirit
tells me so,
but i want
to know
beyond any
doubt.

the voices,
thoughts,
impressions
that i have,
are they you
or are they
me?

where is
the clarity
i seek –
that i keep
asking for
and desiring
deep within?

i want
an encounter,
an interaction,
answers
to the questions
that are
there.

© 2006 Kris E. Lindquist

distractions

anything
that excludes
you
is simply a
distraction.
you are
invited
into all
but show up
for only
a portion
of that which
i do –
things,
activities,
events,
moments.

© 2006 Kris E. Lindquist

beginning to curl

i’m still processing the loss of relationship in my life, but am starting to find a bit of healing in all of the muddlement. (is that even a word?) i’ve been in such a dark place, and still find myself drawn to the shadows, but i am starting to see some light. the first ray of light came in the form of a quote that i had written down some time ago, but had recently rediscovered as i was looking through some old files on my computer. the quote said, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” now, that’s a lot easier said than done, but it does give me a completely different perspective on the past eight months of my life. in fact, it really could give me a completely different perspective on the past thirty-four years. why? well, i think it’s forcing me to look at the positive outcomes in my circumstances as opposed to the negative. (which i so often do.)

subconsciously, i was aware of this concept within the first week of separation, but i think that it may have been a bit forced – forced in the sense that i was doing it not because it was the right thing to do, but because i thought it was the right thing to do. i soon realized the wisdom in what i had done. i remember asking myself if i thought that i was a better person as a result of this relationship, or if i had become worse. surprisingly, i was able to list ten areas of my life where i had seen improvements. wow! ten? i am a better father. i have a better understanding of the importance of friendship. i have a better understanding of the importance of community. i’ve encountered people of faith who live very differently than i do. i’ve learned so much about the world. it’s amazing. and i found it easier to appreciate the gift that i was given – the gift that i was able to hold and cherish – instead of dwelling on the fact that the gift was taken away. (okay, i still think about the “taking away” part, but just not as much.)

now, anyone who really knows me, knows that my mind is constantly working. i think way too much. it’s as if there are voices that are constantly speaking and they continuously chatter – this side of the coin, that side of the coin – playing out every possible scenario. it’s both a blessing and a curse. and this loss of relationship has given these voices plenty to talk about. what’s worse is that my memory is incredibly sharp, which means that i virtually remember every hour, minute, and second of this relationship – where we were, what we were doing, what was being said – every detail. there were times when my brain literally felt like a busy restaurant with conversations happening everywhere, all at the same time.

but in the midst of all of this, there was something very interesting that started to happen. it started towards the end of last week. i can’t explain it. it just happened. thoughts continued to form in my mind, but instead of playing out each thought, i found the corners of my mouth starting to curl and a silly grin forming on my face. i couldn’t figure out what was going on. was i just trying to cover up the pain? was i so completely messed up that my body was starting to freak out? i’m not sure. but one thought that i had is that i was finally experiencing what it meant to take every thought captive. i think that i was beginning to realize that all of these thoughts weren’t going to change a thing. i couldn’t go back and change the past. i couldn’t figure out what was going to happen in the future. and the present? how in the world did i have any clue what was going on in the present? what was i thinking? what was she thinking? i could easily form all kinds of scenarios and possibilities, but none of them based on facts. they would all have been based on assumptions. what’s the point? and then it hit me. all of these thoughts were simply distractions. and i was finding humor in the idea that the enemy was messing with me and trying to distract me – over and over and over again.

what i realized is this. the only power that the enemy can have in my life is the power that i give him. and i’m tired of giving him anything. i want to give to those that are a part of my life. i want to give to those that cross my path. i want to give to those who are in need. i want to give to my family, my friends, and my community. no more distractions. no more lies. and no more living in a place that feels so controlling and empty. this is what i need. i need to live a life that is filled with joy. i need to feel whole and fully alive. i need to glow. i’m certainly not there yet, and it will probably be slow going, but i can feel the desire within me to start pursuing that kind of life. a life that is filled with light, not darkness. i imagine that it’s warm there. and i’ve heard that the air is thick with hope. and as i sit here writing – pondering that kind of life – i can feel the corners of my mouth beginning to curl.

a broken heart

i’ve been reading and thinking quite a bit about relationships over the past couple of weeks. why? perhaps it’s because my heart was recently broken by one that i loved. and it’s left me hurting, wanting, questioning, pondering, doubting, crying, writing, and processing. most of all, it’s left my mind, heart, body, and soul feeling numb all over.

there are moments when i just want to jump right in and find someone else to love. and then there are moments when i think that i will never pursue another romantic relationship again. what’s the point of putting myself in a position to be hurt again, right? and yet i know that there can be such huge rewards when we take risks. (at least that’s what i try to tell myself.)

i’m tired of being hurt. and to be honest, i am feeling angry. first towards the enemy who i believe is out to distract us and get us off course, and ultimately keep us from the life that god intends for us. but i’ve also been feeling angry towards god. i feel as if the relationship that i had was a gift from him and yet he allowed it to be taken from me. why would he do that? actually, i know why, but it sucks. free will. i have a choice and those i am in relationship with have a choice as well. and when those choices don’t line up, someone usually gets hurt. so then, if god knew that i was going to get hurt, why would he have even put me in that position? couldn’t he have protected me from it all together? you don’t give someone a gift and then take it away, do you? i honored that gift and poured everything i had into it, but here i sit, spent and alone.

and then there are the munchkins. whether they like it or not – whether they understand it or not – they are expected to play along in all of this. they have experienced joy and pain just like me in this relationship. i’m happy for the joy, but feel responsible for the pain. i try to explain, but i don’t know that they really get it. and i wonder sometimes what they are learning about relationships from me. (probably an entirely different blog.)

i think that the tragedy in all of this is that i don’t know that i will ever be able to pour myself into anyone whole-heartedly again. there will always be this voice in the back of my head, or on my shoulder, or in my stomach (you get the idea) that will whisper doubt into my ear and challenge my ability to trust. outside voices tell me that in time, i will be able to love again, to pursue again, and to trust again, but i worry that the damage has already been done. and even though i know that god can heal me, i doubt my own ability to let go of this newly acquired baggage (conveniently relabeled “self-preservation”) so that he could actually do it.

(insert sigh here) . . . it seems like when my heart broke, some other things must have broken as well.