does jesus hurt?

i’ve been thinking a lot about how much it hurts to pour everything you have into someone, only to have them pull back and ask that the relationship be less than it was. initially, this is devastating. it can cause some very deep wounds and a boatload of hurt. but then, over time, the hurt turns to sadness and the sadness to acceptance and we find that we can boldly move forward. in some cases, we move forward with the other individual – in the capacity that they’ve requested. and in other cases, we simply walk away – leaving the relationship behind altogether.

now, what’s interesting about all of this, is how quickly we can discard our feelings for those that pull away from us. since the relationship doesn’t seem to be working out the way that we had wanted or intended (and because we don’t like to be wounded), we try to convince ourselves that the feelings we once had, need to be abandoned. we simply try to get rid of them – in whatever way we can. for some, this process takes days, and for others, months or even years. but isn’t it interesting how quickly we begin to search for someone else – once that process is complete?

you see, we have something inside of us that is longing to be filled by relationships. and when they (those relationships) don’t seem to be fulfilling or meeting all of our expectations – or when they deteriorate – we immediately start looking for someone else to fill that empty spot in our lives. we typically don’t wait because we are under the impression that we must have mistaken the relationship (or individual) for something that it wasn’t. or we think that we completely misread the situation. or that we acted out of desire instead of reason. but where do trust and hope fit into all of this? what if that person really was (or is) “the one?” do we ever hold on and wait?

well, i don’t have the answers. and i can tell you from personal experience that these types of situations are incredibly difficult to process and work through. in fact, it’s not an enjoyable experience at all – to have someone draw near and then pull away. and often, i find myself complaining, whining, and just sitting in a puddle of discouragement. and then it hit me. i wonder if this is exactly how christ feels – at times. he passionately pursues us with everything that he has and yet too often, we pull back and desire for the relationship to be less complicated and less involved. we want the relationship to be on our terms – where we feel comfortable and we can maintain some kind of control. sometimes, we stay in the relationship, but there are also times when we might actually walk away.

the good news for us, is that jesus is omnipotent. he knows that this is the perfect relationship. and because he knows that we are “the one,” he waits for us. he doesn’t start looking for someone to replace us – to replace the role that we would play in his life (or in his kingdom). but i do wonder how he feels. is he devastated? does he get discouraged? does he hurt? maybe the pain that i feel in relationships isn’t really that big of a deal in the big scheme of things. perhaps i should be paying more attention to my relationship with christ. here’s a thought...i can so easily be hurt by the one who doesn’t respond to my pursuit, but am i actively responding to christ’s pursuit of me? ahhh, more on my long list of things to think about.

sign

i looked in the mirror this morning, but i couldn’t see it. why couldn’t i see it? it seems like everyone else can. but for some reason i can’t. i’m talking about the big sign on my forehead that reads, “i’m a nice guy. i won’t care. go ahead and let me down.”

i’ve felt let down by family, friends, and co-workers many times in my life and every time it happens, it hurts. not just a little, but a ton. people just don’t get it. they don’t understand that when you break your word, it’s like saying, “you’re just not as important to me as this other thing that i want or need to do.” or in some cases, “you’re just not important.” sure there are times when commitments need to be broken – for work or an emergency – but when the reason given is an excuse of some kind, it simply hurts. the disappointment eventually passes. the frustration eventually passes. but the feeling of being let down does not. for some reason, it’s hard for that feeling to pass. it lingers. and it plays with my thoughts. it messes with the way that i see myself and the way in which i see others.

there have been very few times in my recent life when i’ve broken a commitment or not done what i said i would do. that’s not to say that i haven’t, and it’s not to say that i’m better than anyone else. that’s not why i follow through. i follow through because i know how it feels to be on the other end. i know the importance of people’s feelings and how imperative it is for people to feel valued – for me to feel valued.

so, why does this keep happening to me? do people think that being let down has no emotion attached? do they honestly think that i will just accept the fact that they bailed on me and feel nothing? what am i missing? where is that sign? and what exactly does it say?

damn little spider

i battle the extremes of hope – feeling either hopeful or hopeless – on a continual basis and it really wears on me. i find myself gravitating towards one and then the other. it’s random and it varies from situation to situation. and in some cases, i bounce back and forth in the very same situation. it occurs all of the time, but most often it occurs in the unknown – meaning that i’m asking my mind, heart, and spirit to fill in the blanks of those events or situations in my life that i have absolutely no clue about (but think that it would be useful to figure out both in advance and on my own). it’s stupid, very stupid. i wish that i could just latch on to one and discard the other because at the very least, it would seem consistent, and thus eliminate the battle. (at least that’s what i tell myself.) but it seems impossible. and it really makes no sense to think that a life of hopelessness is even an option when the alternative is a life filled with hope, right?

so, i’ve been thinking about this a lot and here is best way i know how to describe it. it’s as if i have a spider stuck in my body that continually spins a web and relentlessly moves around – back and forth, side to side, top to bottom – setting traps for me to deal with. at times i find myself avoiding the web, moving through the spaces that still exist as i enter into the world of healthy imagination. i can picture the wonderful possibilities that lie before me and with those images come a sense of hope that brings peace, understanding, and contentment. other times, i find myself stuck in the web, trying aimlessly to get free, but instead finding my own efforts to be making things worse rather than better. it is in this time of struggle that i find myself in the world of damaging assumptions. i can so easily picture the most negative scenarios that lead to a sense of hopelessness. and with this hopelessness comes confusion, resentment, and despair. two different worlds with two entirely different sets of feelings and emotions. i think that god would want me to live in the world that brings hope, but it’s so easy to fall into the world of hopelessness. why is it so easy to assume the worst – not only in others, but in myself as well? doesn’t the whole idea of hopelessness contradict the idea of faith in one’s life? isn’t faith supposed to provide hope? and if i have faith, why do i so often feel hopeless?

obviously, there is some kind of disconnect and i need to find it. but honestly, i’m not quite sure where to look. i feel disconnected all over sometimes. my mind feels disconnected at times. my heart feels disconnected at times. and even my spirit feels disconnected at times. the worst is when all three feel disconnected at the very same time. those times in my life are the worst in that i tend to retreat and try to carry every burden on my own. however, those times also force me to realize that i need help and push me into a deeper relationship with god. and that’s when the hope starts to return – clearing away the cobwebs that keep finding their way back into my life. it feels good to clear away those pesky cobwebs, but what really irritates me is that i never seem to get rid of the spider. sometimes it’s a thought. sometimes a feeling. sometimes a voice. i hate that little spider because it robs me of the life and greatness that god intended for me. damn that little spider. (this is where i silently count to ten.)

okay, so maybe those times aren’t as bad as they seem. (i can’t believe i’m saying that.) my instinct is to find the cause of my hopelessness and get rid of it so that i can live a life that is in a perpetual state of hope. it would feel so much better. but is that really the best thing for me? if my relationship with god grows deeper as a result of hopelessness, would it become stale and predictable if i continually lived in a state of hope? perhaps god wants me to enter into periodic times of hopelessness so that he can hold me and love me and speak to me. perhaps it’s the hopelessness that maintains the hopefulness in my relationship with god. and that would mean that i need to actually appreciate the role that hopelessness plays in my life, doesn’t it? hmmm, i’ll have to think about this a bit more.

shift in theology

i’ve been thinking a lot about life and how it can many times just plain suck. and then i’ve been thinking a lot about how i should be praying when i’m going through these times that are anything but enjoyable – when i’m unhappy, stressed out, lonely, feeling abandoned, feeling let down, sick to my stomach, etcetera, etcetera. i used to pray for god’s will to be done – often after i prayed for everything that i want – trying to be sensitive to the whole idea that what god has placed on my heart is both his will and what i want. i guess i still pray that way when the situation only involves me, but i’ve realized that as soon as it involves someone else, i can’t really pray that way anymore. sure, god can do anything that he wants to do and force his will to happen, but isn’t that outside of his character? he’s not going to make someone else (or me for that matter) do anything. he gives us free will to choose as we desire. so, even if i want god’s will to be done and am feeling like i know what that would be, someone else may or may not choose to succumb to his will – which means that if they choose to follow their own will instead of god’s, they not only mess things up for themselves, but they mess it up for me as well. and vice versa, that i have the power to mess things up for myself as well as others that i’m involved with (friends, family, coworkers, and many more). that sucks! the positive in all of this is that god can work in messy situations and he can clean up wherever and whenever we make them. i don’t know that i like any of this, but i do know that i’ve started to pray very differently. i’ve been praying that god speaks truth to people and reveals things so at least they are making choices and decisions with a full deck of cards. i’ve been praying for the holy spirit to prompt people – placing people, situations, thoughts, etcetera on their hearts – so that at the very least they have to acknowledge those things and decide what to do with them. well, those are my thoughts for the day. like i said, i don’t like them, but i think that i understand them.

thinking about love

love has been showing up everywhere in my life lately. i’ve heard about it in church. i’ve discussed it with friends. i’ve seen it on the street. i’ve felt it in my arms. i’ve sensed it in the air. i’ve offered it. and i’ve received it. love has found it’s way into both my head and my heart, but i constantly wonder if i even have the slightest clue as to what love really is? what does love look like? what does it feel like? what does it smell like? what does it sound like? and what does it taste like? jesus commanded me to love, but how do i exactly do that? and is it possible to love both god and others if i have a hard time loving myself first?

i don’t know that i truly love myself the way that i should. in fact, i think that i’m incredibly hard on myself. i consistently pour out judgment over my life instead of receiving the grace that god desires to give. and i constantly attach conditions to love rather than accepting it without any condition at all. most of the time, i feel as if i need to earn love. i feel the need to deserve it. i feel as if there needs to be some kind of exchange or transaction involved. but that’s not really love then is it?

okay, so i struggle with loving myself. does that mean that i can’t help but to struggle with loving others? the dictionary says this about love . . . that it is the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of oneself or another (adapted slightly). i honestly desire to treat others with this kind of love, but fail all of the time. and sometimes i wonder if i am even capable. sure, it seems doable with those individuals in my life that reciprocate the love that i pour into them, but what about those that don’t? and what about people that i don’t even know, but that i encounter by random? jesus was consistently encountering people that wanted more than they were willing to give. and he was consistently encountering people that he had never met before. yet, he always responded in love. he made no distinctions. he made no judgments. he had no conditions. he just loved people. and his love for god fueled that.

i wonder if jesus anticipated each and every one of his encounters. i struggle with that. sure, there are encounters that i anticipate, but there are also encounters that i would rather avoid. jesus didn’t do that. he didn’t avoid people. he welcomed them in love. in fact, i don’t know that anyone could have had an encounter with jesus and not have felt his complete, unconditional love. why? because jesus knew them – truly knew them. he knew everything about them and he knows everything about us. and that is exactly what each of us desires in this life – to be known. now, jesus has the ability to know us because he is god and god is omnipotent. but in order for us to be known by others, we must take risks. one of the biggest risks that we can take is the risk of being transparent. and i think that transparency is critical in all of this – at least in the “being” loved part of all of this. perhaps i should rephrase that though, because transparency (or vulnerability) can also lead someone down a path of pain and suffering. i think that transparency – in the absence of judgment – opens the door for one to receive and experience true, godly love.

let me throw this into the mix. have you ever noticed that sometimes it can be easier to love someone when you know everything about them? when you are aware of the baggage and the hurts and the pain? that’s because you have a better understanding of why they respond the way that they do in certain situations. and it becomes more difficult to be upset or disappointed because you have a better understanding of the context in which they are responding. does that make sense? now, this only works in the absence of judgment though, because judgment usually doesn’t travel alone. in fact, judgment never travels alone. where there is judgment, there are conditions. where there is judgment, there are requirements. and love really isn’t love when you have to earn it, right?

so what was jesus’ secret? well, i believe that jesus loved people through empathy and compassion. jesus understood what hurt people. and he allowed himself to identify with them in their pain. he listened to them. he didn’t analyze. he didn’t respond with christian cliches. he didn’t jump into the role of counselor. he simply asked questions and listened. and although his words were often few, his eyes never stopped speaking.

i long to have the eyes of jesus . . . eyes that speak directly into each and every situation and individual that i encounter. eyes that are able and willing to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the lives of those who cross my path and accept it all as god accepts it – accept it without judgment or condemnation so that i am able to respond in perfect love. i need to look at my own life with those same eyes as well.

here is one last thought. jesus was able to see directly into the soul of every person he encountered. and he didn’t get hung up on all of the junk that he saw along the way. instead, he focused on the potential that his creation had. that we have. he didn’t see an “us” and “them.” he always saw a “we.” and he knew that whether or not people were like him in spirit, they all had the “potential” of becoming like him in spirit. maybe that’s the other critical part of the equation. maybe that’s the key to “showing” love . . . to look at others within the context of their spiritual potential. to see what they are capable of – outside of our own limited perspective or our own limited visibility. to see them as god sees them. is that possible? i think so. well, it has to be if that is what jesus calls us to do. but perhaps it can only start when i am first able to apply this principle to my own life. perhaps i need to see myself as god sees me before i am able to see others as he sees them.

day twenty-five

surprised by my desire to keep some things to myself. sorry. and surprised by some stinky shoes. (i’ll spare you any kind of deep, spiritual analogy here.)

day twenty-four

surprised by feelings and questions. i had a lot of feelings swirling within me today. i felt anticipation, empathy, distant, close, nervous, anxious, apprehensive, engaged, bold, confident, and uncertain. and i began to think about how jesus responded to these feelings. how did he process the everyday activities in his life? did he ever question his actions? the words that he spoke? were there ever conversations that kept playing over and over in his mind like a broken record? wondering how the outcome may have been different had he said something different? did he ever fumble over his words? or say something that perhaps he shouldn’t have? i do these things all of the time.

i’m also starting to wonder about how jesus reacted in worldly (probably not the right descriptor) situations. here’s an example. let’s say jesus is at a wedding ceremony and it’s the sixth day of the week-long celebration. the bride’s cousin, who is known to be extremely promiscuous, has had way too much to drink and is hitting on jesus in front of others. now, how does jesus respond? in his arrogance, does he consider himself better and walk away leaving her to feel empty? does he kiss her back when she comes on to him and wants a little action? is he concerned about what others are thinking? is he wrestling with how he should react? how others will view his response? and if i’ve invited jesus into my very being, then how can i make sure that my responses are being driven by him rather than me?

here is a thought (and i have no clue whether or not this is even close to being right). did jesus rely so heavily on the holy spirit – to go before him in preparation, to be with him in the midst of everything, and to clean up behind him – that he never had concern for the words that came out of his mouth? how his conversations began, developed, or concluded? did he ask and trust the holy spirit to be the interpreter of his every word? to be his translator? and not only in everything that he said, but in everything that he did, everything that he was? and do i have the very same access to that very same spirit?

god, help me to trust you in every situation. to trust you in every relationship. to trust you in every conversation. to trust you in every action. trust that you will package everything that i do and say to be exactly the way you would have it.

day twenty-three

surprised by peace. i felt an incredible amount of peace in my spirit today. and not just my spirit, but in life around me. my work day was productive and lacked any sense of urgency (which is not always the case). my time with my children was smooth, interactive, enjoyable, and fulfilling (again, which is not always the case). and the rest of my evening turned out to be very pleasant and spiritually rewarding. here’s a taste . . .

upon returning from my routine of dropping the kids at home on tuesday evenings, i decided to light the candles, power up the stereo, and catch up on a bit of reading for a small group that i’m involved with. i cued up charlie parker and plopped myself on the couch – books in hand. there were two selected chapters from two different books that i was going to tackle. the first discussed the idea of living out of the center (meaning that as christians, our lives should revolve entirely around the person of jesus) and the second discussed the idea of confessing our sins (as christians) to the world. both provided words and phrases that seemed to jump off the pages. some found their way to my head and others found their way to my heart. but there was also a sense of peace that began to permeate my very being. i don’t know that i can attribute this peace to the content of the reading material, but i could feel myself submitting to this idea of trusting god in absolutely everything – understanding that he was, is, and will be in control of every situation in my life. and all that it requires is that i invite him in – into every failure, every success, every truth, every doubt, every struggle, etcetera, etcetera. and then the simplicity of this whole thing became aware to me – my peace was a direct result of my trust. the concept wasn’t really a surprise, but the feeling was.

it’s one thing to know something and entirely another to actually feel it – working itself out in you. well, tonight i felt it and it felt pretty good. thank god that these surprises are more than just visual representations of his majesty, but that they are also internal stirrings that can be felt within.

day twenty-two

surprised by freedom. i’m surprised by the way in which god is leading me to be free and to live in the moment. this is such a hard concept to grasp because it seems like i am always looking either ahead or behind. i miss so much. i try extremely hard to be fully present with people (when i am with them), but don’t always implement this practice in the rest of my daily life. i’m typically racing from one thing to the next and the reality is, that i rarely take the time to bask in the moment – to really enjoy those things that breathe life into me. well, it’s time to stop racing. and i think that god is trying to teach me more about that concept. i believe that he wants me to be less and less worried about the things that i’ve missed in the past as well as the things that may be approaching in the future, and instead, to simply focus on enjoying those things that i’m a part of “in the now.”

i unintentionally practiced this concept the other day and was so thankful that i had. in fact, i actually felt better for it. i had committed to attending an event and had planned on being there the entire day, but when the time came to hop in my car and go, i decided to continue in what i was already doing instead. now, please understand that i am not endorsing that people make commitments and then bail. that has happened to me (as the recipient of the cancellation) on many occasions and it has greatly impacted my capacity for hope on a yearly, monthly, weekly, and sometimes even daily basis. being let down does more harm than i think we realize. but we can discuss that another day.

i guess my point is this. i realized that the world would not stop spinning if i didn’t show up at this function. i realized that the event was not about me. and i realized that if god was leading me to continue in what i was already doing, then i needed to stay put and continue in the moment. this was definitely surprising...because when i say i will do something, i do it. when i make a commitment, i keep it. and i take it very seriously to be a man of my word and to follow through. but i am also learning more about freedom. and if that is the life that jesus spoke about as he walked among us on the face the earth, then i seem to be journeying in the right direction. god is changing me. and i am thankful.

weekend three

surprised by the way in which i control my children. surprised by the placement of the moon. and surprised by a continued conversation. way to much to process at the moment.