day twenty-five

surprised by my desire to keep some things to myself. sorry. and surprised by some stinky shoes. (i’ll spare you any kind of deep, spiritual analogy here.)

day twenty-four

surprised by feelings and questions. i had a lot of feelings swirling within me today. i felt anticipation, empathy, distant, close, nervous, anxious, apprehensive, engaged, bold, confident, and uncertain. and i began to think about how jesus responded to these feelings. how did he process the everyday activities in his life? did he ever question his actions? the words that he spoke? were there ever conversations that kept playing over and over in his mind like a broken record? wondering how the outcome may have been different had he said something different? did he ever fumble over his words? or say something that perhaps he shouldn’t have? i do these things all of the time.

i’m also starting to wonder about how jesus reacted in worldly (probably not the right descriptor) situations. here’s an example. let’s say jesus is at a wedding ceremony and it’s the sixth day of the week-long celebration. the bride’s cousin, who is known to be extremely promiscuous, has had way too much to drink and is hitting on jesus in front of others. now, how does jesus respond? in his arrogance, does he consider himself better and walk away leaving her to feel empty? does he kiss her back when she comes on to him and wants a little action? is he concerned about what others are thinking? is he wrestling with how he should react? how others will view his response? and if i’ve invited jesus into my very being, then how can i make sure that my responses are being driven by him rather than me?

here is a thought (and i have no clue whether or not this is even close to being right). did jesus rely so heavily on the holy spirit – to go before him in preparation, to be with him in the midst of everything, and to clean up behind him – that he never had concern for the words that came out of his mouth? how his conversations began, developed, or concluded? did he ask and trust the holy spirit to be the interpreter of his every word? to be his translator? and not only in everything that he said, but in everything that he did, everything that he was? and do i have the very same access to that very same spirit?

god, help me to trust you in every situation. to trust you in every relationship. to trust you in every conversation. to trust you in every action. trust that you will package everything that i do and say to be exactly the way you would have it.

day twenty-three

surprised by peace. i felt an incredible amount of peace in my spirit today. and not just my spirit, but in life around me. my work day was productive and lacked any sense of urgency (which is not always the case). my time with my children was smooth, interactive, enjoyable, and fulfilling (again, which is not always the case). and the rest of my evening turned out to be very pleasant and spiritually rewarding. here’s a taste . . .

upon returning from my routine of dropping the kids at home on tuesday evenings, i decided to light the candles, power up the stereo, and catch up on a bit of reading for a small group that i’m involved with. i cued up charlie parker and plopped myself on the couch – books in hand. there were two selected chapters from two different books that i was going to tackle. the first discussed the idea of living out of the center (meaning that as christians, our lives should revolve entirely around the person of jesus) and the second discussed the idea of confessing our sins (as christians) to the world. both provided words and phrases that seemed to jump off the pages. some found their way to my head and others found their way to my heart. but there was also a sense of peace that began to permeate my very being. i don’t know that i can attribute this peace to the content of the reading material, but i could feel myself submitting to this idea of trusting god in absolutely everything – understanding that he was, is, and will be in control of every situation in my life. and all that it requires is that i invite him in – into every failure, every success, every truth, every doubt, every struggle, etcetera, etcetera. and then the simplicity of this whole thing became aware to me – my peace was a direct result of my trust. the concept wasn’t really a surprise, but the feeling was.

it’s one thing to know something and entirely another to actually feel it – working itself out in you. well, tonight i felt it and it felt pretty good. thank god that these surprises are more than just visual representations of his majesty, but that they are also internal stirrings that can be felt within.

day twenty-two

surprised by freedom. i’m surprised by the way in which god is leading me to be free and to live in the moment. this is such a hard concept to grasp because it seems like i am always looking either ahead or behind. i miss so much. i try extremely hard to be fully present with people (when i am with them), but don’t always implement this practice in the rest of my daily life. i’m typically racing from one thing to the next and the reality is, that i rarely take the time to bask in the moment – to really enjoy those things that breathe life into me. well, it’s time to stop racing. and i think that god is trying to teach me more about that concept. i believe that he wants me to be less and less worried about the things that i’ve missed in the past as well as the things that may be approaching in the future, and instead, to simply focus on enjoying those things that i’m a part of “in the now.”

i unintentionally practiced this concept the other day and was so thankful that i had. in fact, i actually felt better for it. i had committed to attending an event and had planned on being there the entire day, but when the time came to hop in my car and go, i decided to continue in what i was already doing instead. now, please understand that i am not endorsing that people make commitments and then bail. that has happened to me (as the recipient of the cancellation) on many occasions and it has greatly impacted my capacity for hope on a yearly, monthly, weekly, and sometimes even daily basis. being let down does more harm than i think we realize. but we can discuss that another day.

i guess my point is this. i realized that the world would not stop spinning if i didn’t show up at this function. i realized that the event was not about me. and i realized that if god was leading me to continue in what i was already doing, then i needed to stay put and continue in the moment. this was definitely surprising...because when i say i will do something, i do it. when i make a commitment, i keep it. and i take it very seriously to be a man of my word and to follow through. but i am also learning more about freedom. and if that is the life that jesus spoke about as he walked among us on the face the earth, then i seem to be journeying in the right direction. god is changing me. and i am thankful.

weekend three

surprised by the way in which i control my children. surprised by the placement of the moon. and surprised by a continued conversation. way to much to process at the moment.

day nineteen

surprised by a conversation. a missing key has required that one group of neighbors and i interact a bit more frequently. and it has been a huge blessing. the conversations have been short, but i’m thankful for the opportunities to connect. and i’m thankful that it opened the door to connect with one neighbor in particular. she is a complete stranger to me, but i have been intrigued by her routine and curious to hear more of her story. and the opportunity presented itself when i least expected it.

unit number one – consisting of a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and their friend – have decided that they would like to throw a neighborly function for the entire building. this function will be relatively small (since there are only four units) but will provide a great opportunity to meet and connect with others that we essentially share space with. rumors had been floating around that this event was in the works, but it was day nineteen of this experiment that the planning phase officially began.

it must have been 6:30 p.m. when i heard the first knock on my door. as i approached, i heard a voice identifying herself as haley.* she wanted to know if saturday night would work for our get together and after deciding that it would, explained that she would return with the specifics. thirty minutes later, i heard another knock on my door. this time it was grace,* haley’s roommate. she proceeded to tell me that the original night wouldn’t work and asked if i could offer an alternative. we continued to chat for about ten minutes (well, really for three as we were being consistently interrupted by my children and their obsession for taking pictures with my camera phone). again, i was told to await the details.

the girls and i continued our evening as expected – playing for a bit, taking baths (the kids, not me), and reading a few stories. we said our prayers, lit the candle and the flashing “go star” lightbox, and crawled into bed (again the kids, not me). and as i continued the evening by myself – picking up some odds and ends around the house – it hit me. the night that i gave as an alternative, wasn’t going to work. i completely spaced it. argh! i didn’t really want to go downstairs and share the bad news, but decided that out of respect, i should do so (before the entire event had been planned).

i apologized for being the most difficult tenant on the planet and then to my surprise was invited in – to sit and chat. grace was alone, watching television, while her friends were out enjoying their weekly ethiopian meal with others in their circle of influence. i shared with her my interest to hear her story – to find out who she was and how life had shaped her. it seemed like a pretty big request to ask of a stranger, but she obliged. and it was so refreshing to be able to enter into a conversation with someone on a night that i typically just spend by myself (after the munchkins are all tucked away). after twenty minutes or so, her friends returned (with additional friends) and i said my goodbyes. (it felt a bit awkward to continue in front of an audience.) as i left their apartment, and climbed the stairs back to mine, i felt joy. the conversation that i had just shared with a new friend had been simple but rich and i hoped that it would continue. it was a pleasant surprise.

and as i write this entry today, i'm realizing just how much i love connecting with people and engaging them in conversation (not always easy for an introvert). god, thank you for this surprise today.

* names have been changed to protect the innocent. ha!

day eighteen

surprised at how far i have left to go. today i realized how unlike christ i really am. it was humbling, embarrassing, frustrating, and enlightening – all at the same time. i was just returning from running a few errands over lunch and was approaching the front door of the building where i work, when i heard a familiar voice. “sir?” i tried to ignore it, but it persisted – this time a little louder. “sir?” still, i paid no attention. i had a lot on my mind and was needing to get back to work. then i heard it again – so loud that i could no longer avoid it. “sir!”

i turned and responded with an impatient and prideful “yes?” and as the homeless man approached me, i could already sense a spirit within that was anything but the spirit of christ. he explained to me that he needed “six for the shelter.” i wasn’t following, and asked him to repeat himself several times. basically, he wanted some of my money. part of what irritated me was the fact that he seemed to expect it. he wasn’t really asking – he just expected. the problem here is that i was too busy focusing on his behavior and judging his appearance, tactics, motives, etc., that i completely lost sight of the way i was treating him. (i should have been focusing on my own behavior instead.) i told him that i wasn’t carrying any cash but that i had change. “do you want it?” what a stupid and rhetorical question. of course he wanted it, but i was making him work for it. in spite, i dumped a handful of change into his hand and started to walk away. as i turned, i noticed this man slowly lower his head to look at the coins and then i heard him say, “bless you.” bless me? and that’s when it hit me. here is a man who simply wants a meal and a bed and i’m selfishly thinking about the two quarters that i was going to use for half a load of laundry or a parking meter. i am such an idiot sometimes.

as soon as i set foot in the elevator, my heart felt heavy. how is it that one day i can be driving by a homeless person on the street and feel led to intercede on their behalf, and then the next, treat another like a dog – much like the samaritans were treated back in the day. i hate that about myself. and it hurts me to write about this because i can see so many areas of this encounter that line up with or remind me of stories i’ve read about in the bible. and not the good ones. i denied this man three times before realizing it. i considered myself (my thoughts and my schedule) as being much more important than the condition and needs of this man – making me the pharisee. i avoided the teachings of jesus and the early church in making a distinction between mine and his (there was no community in this story). and then i made him work for what he wanted – belittling him and requiring him to acknowledge that he wanted what i had. essentially, i made him beg (something that god never requires of me).

this incident stuck with me all day. it burdened me in some way and i didn’t like it. i hoped that god would give me another opportunity with this man – not so much to give him more money, but just to apologize for my behavior and to ask a few questions that would allow him to dialogue with me on his terms. unfortunately, that opportunity never came.

last night, i attended a function that addressed the real-life struggles of ex-convicts in our communities. the stories were authentic, depressing, scary, unbelievable, and inspiring. the panelists had many things in common, but the greatest was that each of them had encountered god. and i found it amazing that he had met them in their time of greatest need and often greatest struggle. i was also amazed at the struggle that was birthed in me. as i listened to these ex-offenders share with us what they had been through, i could see jesus embracing each one of them without any hesitation. and yet i wondered if i would be able to do the same. i struggled with the fact that my heart wasn’t pure. could i really invite one of these individuals into my life and love them unconditionally? would my feelings of fear, skepticism, and distrust get in the way? would i? could i? should i?

was i surprised today? yes, and the surprise was me. the surprise was bad. and the surprise was good. god help me.

day seventeen

surprised by a heavy heart. my heart felt heavy today for a friend. i want god to take action. to make himself known. to reveal himself. but that’s not really in his character, is it? he doesn’t force his ways on any of us. he simply asks that we invite him in first. here’s the problem. i believe that my friend has already invited god in, but doesn’t feel like he ever showed up. i don’t know what to do or what to say. i only know that my heart is heavy.

i can only imagine how heavy jesus’ heart must have felt as he interacted with and engaged other people on earth. i wonder sometimes if he ever struggled with depression. i can’t imagine having the power to see into everyone’s lives – the hurts, the struggles, the baggage, the bondage – and not have it affect me intellectually, emotionally, and physically. it had to have affected jesus in these ways too. and does it still affect him? does he still struggle with these feelings as he intercedes for us on a consistent basis?

i guess my heaviness makes me a little like jesus. that's a bit of a surprise – to feel like jesus when you don't really feel that great. god, help me to understand this.

day sixteen

surprised by transparency. it’s been a hard couple of weeks for me with a lot of rumblings in my mind and feelings of discontentment in several areas of my life. i know god is leading me, but that doesn’t always mean that i’m feeling chipper. one of the worries that i’ve been carrying around had to do with an upcoming review at work. it had been quite some time since my employers and i had formally arranged to sit down and talk about studio life. and i was a bit concerned with how they would receive the thoughts and comments that i had prepared to share. i wanted to be completely transparent but feared whether or not they would be willing (or able) to make the adjustments that i felt were needed to bring both life and passion back into my employment.

i was pleasantly surprised. as i met with them this morning, they encouraged me to be frank and honest about how i had been feeling and seemed to agree with everything that rolled off my tongue. they were incredibly receptive and i found it to be a huge blessing (and somewhat of a surprise). i can’t tell you how freeing it is to be transparent with people. i realize that it can be a huge risk, but i have found that even when transparency is not well received, it opens the door for personal reflection and some form of self-evaluation that most often leads to healing. there is something therapeutic about it.

i was also surprised by an idea today. as i was giving this experiment a bit of my think time, i had a thought. what if i were to follow-up this 30-day experiment with another 30-day experiment of my own – where the roles of the participants are reversed. now, you would need to take god’s omnipotence out of the equation, but roll with me on this one. what if i were to imagine god praying, “surprise me peripheral” each morning. what could i do that would surprise god? to let him know that i’m present? to let him know that i care about him? to let him know that i love him? etcetera. etcetera. how would my daily life change and what would i be doing to keep my relationship with him fresh?

now, i realize that there is nothing that i can do to make god love me any more than he already does. and that would not be the point. but i do wonder how my agenda would change. because instead of asking and waiting for god to respond to me, i would be more focused on serving him. i wonder how my time with him would change? how my intimacy with him would change? hmmm, interesting.

day fifteen

surprised by people who truly care. surprised by people who are authentic. surprised by people who are willing to be vulnerable. i long to build friendships with these types of people and god revealed a few of them to me today. surprised and grateful.